Blurry and Out of Focus

It's 4 in the morning and my head is spinning with my to-do lists.  Items continue to be added to it, and the line between what is important and what is urgent is blurred.  Everything is good, but it's so easy to slip back into old, familiar eating and nonexercise patterns when there is a lot demanded from me.


I noticed lately that I'm not taking the time to truly taste my food nor eat slowly.  I'm busting over my stop signals and eating things that I don't even like much.

Source

I am by habit a "chaotic eater"* as defined by Jarah Christensen's  Eating For Your Soul.  When I multi-task and am being pulled in many directions, I don't take the time to feed myself.  Then I become famished and make poor food choices and overeat or binge on those poor choices.  Starve - binge - starve - binge.  When I'm in this chaotic mode, I hate dealing with food (especially when I'm the only one that cooks).  I don't hate cooking, but there's only so much of me and my time, and I don't want to deal with it.


So, yes, I'm slipping back into that way of  eating.  "Chaos is not conducive to listening to my body."  No kidding.


I've also traditionally been an "emotional eater."  I don't think I've slipped back into this.  If I have, then not by much.  But, I don't emotionally binge the way I used to:  buying packages/trays/bakery boxes of pastry-type stuff and digging in, sometimes crying, sometimes numbly staring off into space.


*{Other types of eaters are:  Control Eaters, Professional Dieter, Waste-Not Eater, Offend-Not Eater, Emotional Eater, and Closet Eater}.

Source

So, what am I going to do about this?  I can't be cloned.  The list isn't going away.


I am important; my well-being is good for everybody and the list.


Be still, then move
First, renew my focus.  I will take quiet time for myself -- no kids, no computer, no list  -- and meditate/ponder/pray about what I want to do for my body that day.  I'll write it down, say it out loud, come up with a mantra - something - to reinforce listening to my body.


Second, move.  I will take at least a 5 minute walk or turn on music and dance.  This is separate from regular exercise.  This is just to pump up some energy and my mood.  If I can take a quiet walk, that will help clear my head about priorities.


My plan of action doesn't seem like much, but it's a foundation.  It's so easy for me to just roll out of bed and get into auto-mommy mode and not even think about the day ahead or to let the day go by without focus nor quiet time.


What do you do to get your vision back?

Frontier House

I may have mentioned this before: I like cooking, but I don't like doing it three times a day everyday of the week (plus snacks). Now, with trying to add good stuff to the bad and phasing out the bad, I find it very time-consuming. I will keep going, though, believing it will become second-nature. Maybe then it (healthy cooking) will go faster once I'm good at it.

That's the plan, anyway.

Have you seen the PBS show Frontier House? They took modern people and had them live in a recreated 1880's frontier with most of its challenges. I watched it many years ago. One thing I remember about it is one of the characters, I think it was Kristen, commenting on how she's in the "kitchen" almost all day. She's up early preparing the first meal of the day, and by the time she's done cleaning up after it, it's time to begin preparing the next meal...three times a day. She had very little time for herself.

I know I have modern conveniences and don't have to grow my own food, haul water from the creek or start and keep a fire-pit going, but I have days when I feel I'm in the kitchen almost all day making healthy home-cooked meals and cleaning up after them. It gets old. Actually, it's my attitude that gets old. I wish I had a better attitude and excitement towards these life changes while I'm chopping away.

The pioneers (and other cultures/times) had to spend that much time on cooking because it's a matter of survival. Well, Gina, isn't paying attention and time to what you and your family eat also a matter of survival? Isn't it worth the time and effort?

Something else that struck me about the show was the wedding cake for Kristen and her fiance. Sugar was scarce during those times. The different families all donated some sugar and rationed eggs for the cake. It was thoroughly enjoyed by all during the celebration. They savored it. The sweet treat was a rarity. The ingredients were real.

I wish I could do the same.

Shifting gears:

Bring on the water. I noticed last month I did so well and felt better overall when I increased the amount of water I drank. I let that goal slip when I was remodeling (lazy about frequent bathroom breaks). So, tomorrow, bottoms-up!

Spiritual mini-goal: I have a couple of daily-devotional books that my parents gave me years ago. I'll start reading them in the morning. They are quick and easy and will at least put something positive into my sleepy head. I'll follow that with a personal prayer.

I found my thankful journal. I'll start that, again, too, and shift it over to mental/emotional mini-fitness goals. First thing I'll enter is that I'm thankful to have food three times a day.

Focus Pocus

we started a remodeling project a few days ago, and I'm so excited about it. I love wood. I love tools. I love paint. (Ahrr Ahrr Ahrr! ....Okay...so how do you write the sound Tim Taylor of Tool Time makes?)

I could work all day on it. I'd rather do that than eat, sleep, or (sadly) shower.

I've been pondering "focus" lately. I really felt I lacked focus. I was on a roll towards making healthier changes in my life: increase physical activity, replacing questionable foods with better choices, being thankful...all those mini-goals on the side. well, I've begun shifting away from those things before they became hard-n-fast habits. I was really getting down on myself and my lack of focus.

Then this guest-room makeover took place. I realized I had extreme focus as I often do with any task at hand. when I start something, I keep going until it's finished. That goes with any project. I have this attitude of, "Don't interrupt me. Just let me keep going and be done with it."

I'm thinking that type of focus just applies to things that have a tangible end product: the whatever is clean, built, fixed, made, organized, packed, etc. I can look at it, feel good about it, and use it. There's a satisfaction.

Fitness doesn't have a tangible end product that results from short-term, hard-core focus. I can't workout and eat right for a week and say, "Okay! All done! Destructive habits are eliminated. I have a strong, healthy body now!" It took me a long time to get into this mess; it's gonna take me a long time to get out.

Do my fitness goals just seem too far away to hold my attention? Is there a way to balance and multi-task my goals and somehow focus on several things at once? Do I have a personality flaw where I can only focus on one thing at a time? Maybe I do need a little magic to do it all.

I'm trying to internalize what eating healthy can do for me right now (something tangible). For instance, if I drink a glass of water and eat several servings of veggies, I won't see a difference in the mirror. BUT I imagine what is going on inside of me. My cells and organs, like an army in desperate need for supplies, are saying, "YES! we can use this! Rehydrate that area here. Send those nutrients there. Move! Move! Move!"

It can't be about the mirror. It can't be about how my clothes fit. It's gotta be about resupplying my body with stuff it can build with, so those little cells can see a tangible difference in their remodeling project.

Gotta Start Somewhere

My nutrition goal today is to drink more water. I could go a whole day without drinking actual water...mostly milk, juice, pop. I'll set my watch to remind me.

[I can see now I won't write much...it's "Mommy"-this, "Mommy"-that. Cue the crying. There it is. Cue the guilt. Done.]

Okay...more water and stop eating after 7:30 p.m.

About Me, continued

The following was originally under the "About Me" section. I wrote too much so decided to make this my first entry:

I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm now in someone else's body. I don't even look in the mirror anymore except to brush my teeth because I don't recognize the image. I had been athletic and at a healthy size. Now I've clinically tipped over the borderline of obesity.

I know how to lose the weight. But, I don't know how to be committed and to stick with it and not become discouraged and give in to massive amounts of sugar.

The blogging world is new to me. I have been following Cranky Fitness where a commentator mentioned having a support system to help during the weight loss journey. It dawned on me that I haven't had a consistent support system. Sure, I could call my wonderful parents, but I just don't always want to "dump" on them. Calling a friend or "sponsor" is awkward, too, because we have such busy lives.

So, I thought about giving blogging a try. I may be the only one here, but at least I can pretend I'm "talking" to someone during my moments of weaknesses and frustrations...and maybe even some triumphs!

And should anyone stumble across this blog, especially if that person is in, or has been in, a similar situation as me, we could support each other.

I'm not sure what to do next.