Blurry and Out of Focus

It's 4 in the morning and my head is spinning with my to-do lists.  Items continue to be added to it, and the line between what is important and what is urgent is blurred.  Everything is good, but it's so easy to slip back into old, familiar eating and nonexercise patterns when there is a lot demanded from me.


I noticed lately that I'm not taking the time to truly taste my food nor eat slowly.  I'm busting over my stop signals and eating things that I don't even like much.

Source

I am by habit a "chaotic eater"* as defined by Jarah Christensen's  Eating For Your Soul.  When I multi-task and am being pulled in many directions, I don't take the time to feed myself.  Then I become famished and make poor food choices and overeat or binge on those poor choices.  Starve - binge - starve - binge.  When I'm in this chaotic mode, I hate dealing with food (especially when I'm the only one that cooks).  I don't hate cooking, but there's only so much of me and my time, and I don't want to deal with it.


So, yes, I'm slipping back into that way of  eating.  "Chaos is not conducive to listening to my body."  No kidding.


I've also traditionally been an "emotional eater."  I don't think I've slipped back into this.  If I have, then not by much.  But, I don't emotionally binge the way I used to:  buying packages/trays/bakery boxes of pastry-type stuff and digging in, sometimes crying, sometimes numbly staring off into space.


*{Other types of eaters are:  Control Eaters, Professional Dieter, Waste-Not Eater, Offend-Not Eater, Emotional Eater, and Closet Eater}.

Source

So, what am I going to do about this?  I can't be cloned.  The list isn't going away.


I am important; my well-being is good for everybody and the list.


Be still, then move
First, renew my focus.  I will take quiet time for myself -- no kids, no computer, no list  -- and meditate/ponder/pray about what I want to do for my body that day.  I'll write it down, say it out loud, come up with a mantra - something - to reinforce listening to my body.


Second, move.  I will take at least a 5 minute walk or turn on music and dance.  This is separate from regular exercise.  This is just to pump up some energy and my mood.  If I can take a quiet walk, that will help clear my head about priorities.


My plan of action doesn't seem like much, but it's a foundation.  It's so easy for me to just roll out of bed and get into auto-mommy mode and not even think about the day ahead or to let the day go by without focus nor quiet time.


What do you do to get your vision back?

Snack Attack Report 5 and Quality

A month has passed since I began the experiment, and it's time to reevaluate. Neither DH nor I were comfortable with how much sugar was being consumed, and DH was not happy with the eat-when-you-want-to practice. We did like how certain foods weren't as big of a deal anymore and how competitive eating stopped.


Observations:
5 y.o. - He: shared his stash often,went through it slowly, chose to snack on a variety of real and play foods


10 y.o. - She: went through her stash slowly, shared with her friends, chose to snack on a variety of real and play foods, ate a lot more candy than usual (Before the experiment, her holiday candy would sit on a shelf, forgotten. When it became part of her stash, she began eating it more and more).


11 y.o. - He: went through stash quickly (nearly empty by Fri's restocking day), prefers the extra-sugary stuff, does enjoy and requests fresh fruit


Me: I had no desire to dip into their stash; I had my own: a large bag of peanut M&M's that I'm still working on (In all fairness, I was sick for two weeks and had no desire for them. Otherwise, they'd be gone, I'm sure). I keep a zip-bag of them in my purse along with some pecans.


What's Next:
We are continuing the snack stash boxes with modifications. Each box will have (typically): favorite nuts, dried fruit, real granola bars (not candy bars disguised as granola bars), and ONE play food -- all customized to their tastes. Additionally, I'm buying different types of beef jerky for them to try -- a higher quality*, less greasy variety -- and ad to their boxes.


5 y.o.'s choices: pistachios and cashews, raisins, rolled wafer cookies (plus the granola bars and beef jerkey I'm having them try)


10 y.o.'s choices: pistachios, dates, Lindt dark chocolate truffles* (plus granola bars)


11 y.o.'s choices: cashews, apricots, pop tarts (3 of the 4 packages in the box), (plus granola bars and beef jerkey I'm having them try).


Guidelines:
-They can eat when they are hungry, BUT they must ask first when the next meal is ready (if it's within 20-30 minutes, they'll need to wait).
-They can snack on veggies and fruit almost any time (supplied in fridge and counter).
-They have to make their play food last at least a week. (We'll restock once per week).
-I will provide additional real-food after-school snacks; then they can dip into their stash if still hungry.
-Future holiday candy: they can choose their ultimate favorites and donate the remainder to the Bishop's office (he has a candy jar).

Source

*Quality
Lindt truffles can be expensive but are a better quality chocolate. I want to encourage them to get a taste for quality in a variety of foods. Then they'll learn that cheap versions are not "worth their taste buds." We may not purchase a lot, but the quality will be savored. That's also why I'm trying better quality beef jerky for the boys.


I've noticed this for myself: when I choose better quality, I lose a taste for cheap stuff (which is usually less healthy). I've been working to learn to cook and bring in flavorful veggies and better quality meats, etc. In the process, I have lost the taste for most fast-food. (This is a work in progress, one I haven't mastered, yet, but do see changes in).


For example, I used to buy steaks for everyone in the family for dinner. I'd buy the cheaper cuts that didn't turn out very good (I know, my skills may have a lot to do with that). Now, I buy the expensive cuts of meat, but because they are expensive, I buy one cut, and we all (5 of us) share the one. Although less quantity, it's so much better. It's enjoyable. With that joy comes a feeling of being satisfied and fed.

Exfoliate the Scale

I used to weigh myself everyday, and every month I would do several measurements and report them on the side bar:  BMI, belly fat, fat %, etc.  The scale messed with my mind.  I'd lose weight, see the number go down and think, "That was easy," then not be diligent.  Or, I'd feel like I should have lost weight, (worked hard, felt good in my skin, happy), then I'd see the number higher than expected and feel like giving up.


I stopped weighing myself several months ago as a challenge from Jarah (Eating for Your Soul - a program about intuitive eating/exercising and spiritual growth).  This is an action about being more kind and respectful to myself.


Here's a quote from Jarah, "Getting on the scale is all about judgment, and it brings you back to the diet perspective you learned about in Step Two.  You are letting the numbers determine your day and once you get on the scale, the thoughts of calorie counting, good vs. bad food, and exercise for the sake of weight loss return and there you go!  To stop the cycle and the diet perspective, you need stop weighing yourself.  It's about giving up the need to control the body so that you can start to listen to it."


It's been an empowering experience after packing away the scale.  I pay more attention to how tight or loose my clothing are instead, and  I take other cue's from my body.  If I have been exercising and eating quality foods, I feel great.  I don't need a scale to throw me off track.


This step also included getting rid of clothes that didn't fit (posted about it here).  That was really tough for me, and I didn't do it the first time I went through the program/steps.  I felt like I was some how giving up ever being size I want to be, again, by getting rid of the clothes.  This time I compromised and instead packed my favorite too-small clothes away in the garage.  Now, every item in my closet fits me, and it's no longer depressing to go in there.


Do you have any non-scale victories (NSV)?

A Bit of This and That (Ahhchooo!)

I guess it's my turn to get sick.  I'm so wiped out.  I haven't felt like being on the computer at all the past few days.  I hope all is good in your neck of the woods.

Snack attack reports -- I have a rough draft of the 3rd report I did over a week ago, and I've been too uninterested to even think about it.  I think they are doing okay.  There's still stuff in there, and I haven't wanted any of it.  My own bag of M&M's is still there.

Eating for Your Soul - The 10 week program is over. It's been great.   I will now have one-on-one sessions.

Well, that's about it.  My blanket and pillow have a stronger pull on me than this computer.  Stay healthy, everybody.

First of all, thank you for the kind words and support.  You gals are the best.  I'm going to keep it real - the good, the bad, the positive, the sad.  Jill, you posted about fear a couple of days ago.  I keep thinking about that.  Why do I bury my feelings?  What am I afraid of?  Anyways, those questions are ricocheting in my brain with a whole other mess of "huh's?".


We are on Step 3 this week for Eating for Your Soul (there is a new group starting over that I've signed up with, again -- this time I am paying more attention, I'm a little more ready).  Ironically, part of this step deals with false fronts -- NO!  Not silicon implants!  Stop that! -- False fronts are ways we protect ourselves from being rejected by others.  It just made me think of my last post and pretending I'm "fine."  Interesting timing.


Also, Step 3 has some homework.  There are several things, but the part I'm dealing with now is  1)get rid of the scale, and 2)get rid of clothes that don't fit (too big and too small).


I packed away the scale several weeks ago.  (The last time I got rid of a scale was out of a second-floor window -- Crash!).


Tomorrow, I'll pack away the clothes.  I'm not ready to give them away, yet, but I will put them in a box in the garage.


The motivation for these steps is to keep peace with my body and not have constant reminders of my size not being what I want it to be.  (I can't wear that.  I can't wear that.  I can't wear that.).  Only having clothes that fit shows respect for my body.  It doesn't mean I've given up on having a healthier form.  Honestly, it's an experiment for me.  I'm hoping for patience and a better body image.  We'll see.

Soup Recipe and Computer Allergy

First, here's a Veggie Quest recipe from "What Am I Supposed to Do With THAT?" --
Wild Mushroom Bisque


Last April, I reported having a computer allergy where my neck and exposed upper chest would get itchy, and my right-hand fingers would swell up twice their size, turn red, and have painful tips.  I drastically reduced blogging time.  Here and here.  Well, I've been having the reactions, again.  I had been increasing my computer use especially by typing out the "Eating for Your Soul" intros and lessons and having more recipes to post.  It's to the point where I can't stand touching the computer.  Now, as I type, I'm wearing the lovely yellow rubber gloves used for housecleaning.   Even with the gloves, it still feels a little weird.

I have a touch pad instead of a mouse.  My index is the first to swell because it's the one rubbing over the pad the most.  At night, I'm woken to a sensation that feels like a pin is being poked into my nail bed.  Ice packs bring a lot of relief, although they don't reduce the swelling.


Has anyone heard of this before?  My doctor was stumped about it last year when I showed him.


So, dear blogging friends, I may not comment as much, but please don't forget about me.

I Didn't Like Yogurt

I had a rare, leisurely day yesterday.  No hurries.  So, I decided to finally break open the pomegranate that's been sitting on my counter for the past couple of weeks.

 Quite the mess.  So worth it.

Working hard for my breakfast.
(Sorry...it looks like it should be in the
opening credits for "Dexter.")

More appealing and so good.

It used to be that I didn't like yogurt.  I began eating it decades ago for the probiotics it supplied.  I would select the fat free variety in an attempt to be "good."  You know, fat-free this and fat-free that.  I went for the handy little containers with the endless flavor selections.


Have you seen the amount of sugar/HFCS in those things?  They have to add it to mask the flavor of fat-free.


I never could understand the attraction to yogurt nor why the French love it so much.  Then, I had normal, almost undoctored yogurt.  It was from a lonely, big tub (plain, with fat) amongst the limelight of the fat-free, showy, petite, artificially-flavored plastic packages who breeze through life always getting what they want... -- wait, I'm kinda getting off subject.


So, I tried plain with about 4% fat.  Much better.  I do add a little bit of organic sugar to it, but I control the amount -- much less than what the manufacturer puts in.  I also like to add different fruit and sometimes granola.  Other ways I've tried it is by adding my own vanilla and cinnamon.


Do I feel like I'm eating "bad" by choosing yogurt with fat?  Not.at.all.  Real food is to be enjoyed while providing nutrition.  It's satisfying.


Well, it's breakfast time, again.  I have left over pomegranate seeds.  And plain yogurt.  Yum.

2 Weeks Binge-Free, "Eating for Your Soul" Class and Quick Story

The larger beads represent two weeks without a binge.

I've been zig-zagging between several interests and priorities. Recently, I've been enjoying trying out new veggie recipes and posting about that on my other blog, "What Am I Supposed To Do With That?" I think my kids like being the panel of judges as they taste-test new things.

Last night I was invited by a friend and neighbor to a new class, "Eating for Your Soul," presented by Jarah Christensen. I really enjoyed it. Here's a little story with a deep message that Jarah shared with us last night:

One night a young idealist had a dream. He dreamed there was a new store in a nearby shopping mall. He went in and saw an angel behind a counter. Nervously, he asked what the shop sold.

"Everything your heart desires," replied the angel.

"Then I want peace on earth," exclaimed the idealist. "I want an end to famine, sorrow, and disease (and addictions*)."

"Just a moment," replied the angel. "You haven't understood. We don't sell the fruit here - only seeds."

*I added