I know, I know, I haven't been around lately, but I have been round. Actually, I'm becoming rounder by the day.
I've been numb. It's mostly self-inflicted numbness. The compulsive eating and binging...well, let's just say it's still there. Focus has been challenging.
And the disappointment in myself? Vast.
Several weeks ago while I was active with the C25K program, I saw an ad for a "Running With Angels" 5K to be held in June. I was excited. I even envisioned training with my mother-in-law when she and my FIL came to visit from France the end of May, kind of a bonding experience. Surely I'd be more fit and tone by then. What I'm leaving out is I saw that flyer in a Great Harvest bakery and read it while
I'm a big disappointment, to say the least.
I have felt too guilty to spend time blogging. My attention has been needed elsewhere, and if I even looked at the computer to contemplate logging on, the guilt-factor would stop me. (Why can't that work with junk food?)
Have I given up? No, although it does kinda look like it, and there certainly hasn't been any commitment on my part. I have to work on getting some feeling back and build focus-endurance.
I've started walking again the past few days. Right now, it's not even about the weight. Walking eases my anxiety and depression and does help with some of my ability to focus and remember.
I think writing also exercises my brain. Maybe I can figure out a way to set aside some blog-time for myself. Until then, see ya 'round.
Gina. You are great. Nothin but love coming from over here. You don't need to beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteWhat are you numbing? And why are you numbing it with food?
You've finished the book? Have you started it again? I'm in the middle of my second time around. I'm just planning on reading it until the principles stick. (haha, Which means I might be reading it forever, that's ok...)
Hi, Katieo. Yes, I just finished it and plan on reading it again and going over my high-lighted areas. It's helped me be aware the last couple of days of the present moment, what my body wants, and if what I'm feeling is really going to damage me. One thing I loved that she said was, "There's nothing wrong." I've been able to curb some anxiety with that phrase. I'd like to post about it. (I don't have for-sure answers, yet, to your questions about what and why). Thanks, Katie.
ReplyDeleteGina, You are not alone in your feelings. Don't give up, but allow yourself to work through all of this, okay?
ReplyDeleteWe're here whenever you feel like coming back to blogland.
-Leah
Hi Gina,
ReplyDeleteNot sure how i got here but sure glad I did. Some connection through Geneen Roth's Facebook page.
Well maybe you're discouraged about your progress, but your ever so honest post, lifted me out of the crappy mood I was in. I was feeling like such a loser after reading so many "I-have-lost-X-pounds-and-continue-to-work-out-daily" blogs and still wanted to just continue my flat line life/mood until your honesty/sincerity (and willingness to continue to share in spite of it appearing to be regression), shot across my screen and lit up the neurons responsible for lacing up my sneakers, updating my i-pod and just propelled me out the door.
WOW bet you weren't figuring on those results from some unknown person a 1000 miles away.
Look forward to reading you soon you.
Suzanne
Hey Gina-- read the bit about "I'm a big disappointment" and I want to call you on that one, dearie. You are not. You could look like Winston Churchill and you'd still be an intelligent, loving parent and a complex, interesting person. Sounds like eating when you don't really want to is a wiring thing, how you're coping with difficult feelings. But, as you say, "nothing's really wrong" (at least I hope it isn't!) You'll address it when you're ready. I wonder if there's a group in your area? Seems like the kind of thing it would be helpful to address with a community of supportive women. Or maybe a Twitter group :) The walking sounds great, great way to clear your head and connect with the world. Pulling for you, dearie.
ReplyDeleteLarkspur - You're right, I'm not internally a big disappointment. My actions are disappointing. I really let myself down. I've checked for an OA group - none. That's why I gave blogging a try. It's people like you that really lift me up. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne/Paxserene - You had me near tears. Me? Really? You are a gem for sharing that with me. I thought about you and your comment as I put on my own sneakers and went for a walk this evening. Thank you.
You are NOT a big disappointment. You are learning through this journey just as the rest of us are. Stop being so hard on yourself! You are a beautiful person and you deserve better than that.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, now is always a good time to get back on things. You can do this.
Have you read Geneen Roth's Food, Women & God? It's a great book and maybe it would help you with the mindful eating aspect. It has helped me a lot. :)
Oh Gina, you are DEFINITELY not alone! No matter how many times we fall off track, get temporarily distracted, the thing is we keep getting back into it.
ReplyDeleteI've had a temporary setback too, and feeling crapola about myself so thank you for letting ME know I am not alone.
Hopefully today is better as will be tomorow, and the next day and the day after that.
Don't be too hard on yourself!! You can do this!
ReplyDeleteme too, girl, me too. we can do this! don't beat yourself up, it's not productive and it's not any fun. be kind to yourself, lady.
ReplyDeleteThis is a life long journey with the ups & downs of a roller coaster. Don't get so down on yourself that you can't climb out... I am glad you are walking. Baby steps lead to bigger long term results. Maybe check out my mental muscle post from a few days ago... http://truth2beingfit.com/2010/05/26/mental-muscle-mind-over-matter--me-power.aspx
ReplyDeleteI hope it helps.... HUGS!
I think from now on, I'm just going to let you write all my posts for me, because girl, I GET YOU. From the 10 pound gain, to the disappointment, to the walking for stress-relief. Everything you wrote describes me right now.
ReplyDeleteDo you think maybe we were separated at birth? ;)
One other thing I thought of - you might want to check out Karly's site - firstourselves.com. Karly gets it too - she's my go-to girl when I have body/mental issues! ;)
ReplyDeleteLife is full of starts and stops and restarts. I am right there with you and happy to cheer you on! Health is something that needs to be worked at daily....let's work on ours together! Hang in there, Gina!
ReplyDeletehttp://calorielab.com/news/2010/06/02/do-the-math/#more-7423
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone for your support.
ReplyDeleteDr. J- I tried leaving a comment on your post above, but it wouldn't let me. I'll leave it here:
This is obvious stuff, and most people already know the deal. Following it is a different matter especially for people with eating disorders like compulsiveness. There's an emotional factor that just doesn't compute. When someone is desperately trying to avoid something (subconsciously or not) or something just snaps for him or her, the binge begins. That person is smart enough to know that the 1000+ calories he or she is about to consume in one sitting is going to be more calories in than out and result in a weight gain, but at that moment in time, for some bizarre reason, it doesn't matter. It's a very strange spiral that is hard to understand. (The ones with the E.D. have a hard time understanding; it's hard to expect normal eaters to understand). The regret and remorse sets in after the damage has been done. The guilt, the shame, the humiliation...
It's time to substitute X for Y by substituting beneficial habits for the automatic self destructive habits. In time, with practice, the ratio of success to failure will increase and health will grow exponentially.
(Dr. J's post simply said that when you consume more calories than is being burned off, then you will gain weight.)
ReplyDeleteI couldn't get to Dr. J's post today either. IT's broken. Not even thru their homepage.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the book is fantastic. I finished reading it on Monday. In fact I read all her books but "When you Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull up a chair" because as I told someone, I just acted that book out.
I have been in a funk about my weight too. I am tired of the issue. I started blogging about cancer when I first started and soon got tired of hearing about cancer. I mean who wants to read about cancer? not too many people, that's who. Because I had no followers. But I'm beginning to think weight is just like cancer. BORING. (Not yours of course, but mine.)
Actually what's more boring is the self-abuse; the cycle of eating and abuse and eating and abuse. Repetitive and boring. I know how you suffer. My heart goes out to you.
Hey, Gina....come join my "Race to 10" challenge....maybe a little competition can help (which is why I am doing it...I need help getting back on track, too!) Let's focus on fitness (mental and physical). I do not talk about it at all on my blog...but I face the same struggle you do with bingeing. Exercise (vigorous, especially) helps.....a lot....and actually can release very similar hormones as bingeing releases (just in a healthier way). Email me if you want to talk more about it all. I do not really talk about it much on my blog but I have been muddling my way through it all during my journey...and I am more than willing to chat with you one on one about it....and what I have learned so far. Love to you!!!
ReplyDelete