Friday, February 18, 2011

At Least My Closet Lost Weight

As per the homework from EFYS's Step 3 that I mentioned in the last post, I cleaned out my closet, ridding it of clothes that don't fit -- too big, too small, goal pants, and unflattering stuff I hate.

Hansi helped me.  "Can't we keep this one?"

Some items still have tags on them.

Hansi kept positioning himself in front of the closet doors
or directly under in the doorway.

Some things I donated; the rest I'll store away.
I threw in my bathing suit before closing.
I had a few things left that fit -- but only one pair of jeans and one pair of nice black pants.  Oh, well.

You know what's weird?  I noticed I had a few nice blouses that I never wear.  You know why?  I don't wear them because I feel I would have to put on make-up and spend extra time on my hair to balance the look.  If I don't feel like "dressing" my face and hair nicely, then I just throw on a t-shirt.  Just a little Ah-Hah moment.

I had this tune in my head today:  "I'm sorry Mama!  I never meant to hurt you.  I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet...closet."  It's from Eminem.  You can see the radio version here if you so desire.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

First of all, thank you for the kind words and support.  You gals are the best.  I'm going to keep it real - the good, the bad, the positive, the sad.  Jill, you posted about fear a couple of days ago.  I keep thinking about that.  Why do I bury my feelings?  What am I afraid of?  Anyways, those questions are ricocheting in my brain with a whole other mess of "huh's?".

We are on Step 3 this week for Eating for Your Soul (there is a new group starting over that I've signed up with, again -- this time I am paying more attention, I'm a little more ready).  Ironically, part of this step deals with false fronts -- NO!  Not silicon implants!  Stop that! -- False fronts are ways we protect ourselves from being rejected by others.  It just made me think of my last post and pretending I'm "fine."  Interesting timing.

Also, Step 3 has some homework.  There are several things, but the part I'm dealing with now is  1)get rid of the scale, and 2)get rid of clothes that don't fit (too big and too small).

I packed away the scale several weeks ago.  (The last time I got rid of a scale was out of a second-floor window -- Crash!).

Tomorrow, I'll pack away the clothes.  I'm not ready to give them away, yet, but I will put them in a box in the garage.

The motivation for these steps is to keep peace with my body and not have constant reminders of my size not being what I want it to be.  (I can't wear that.  I can't wear that.  I can't wear that.).  Only having clothes that fit shows respect for my body.  It doesn't mean I've given up on having a healthier form.  Honestly, it's an experiment for me.  I'm hoping for patience and a better body image.  We'll see.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Fine. And you?

A few weeks ago, I came across this post from Healthy Mom's Kitchen:  Healthy Moms Need to Cry.  I remember thinking, "Wow.  I don't cry.  I wonder why."  I get a lump in my throat -- sometimes a couple of tears, especially if I'm responding to something about my kids, but I don't bawl nor get the beneficial release that comes with it.

I also began noticing that my posts aren't very deep; I don't share my feelings here, at least I haven't in a long, long time.  I want to keep things up beat and positive.  I don't really share my feelings anywhere:

+My husband is my closest friend, but I can't share things about him that I'm feeling, especially if the feelings are negative, and I just need to vent.  I don't want to hurt him; I want to keep all bridges intact.

+I'm lucky to have loving parents, but I don't want to worry them.

+I've long since lost touch with my closest girl friend, L.  We could vent/talk about anything ... anything.  I miss that.  That bridge is not intact, though.

+I'm fairly new here in Utah, still making friends.  The thing is, they are my husband's friends, too.  It's a very tight community:  almost all of our neighbors go to the same church where we work together (unpaid clergy, etc.), pray together, socialize.  I usually love it and am happy here, but I don't have anyone to share my truest, deepest feelings with.  Besides, I can't share my insecurities or vent about my husband to others in the community.  That's not cool. We all have to keep an image of "worthiness," righteousness...things we are judged on by the church leaders and members. No one can know too much.

+So, how about prayer?  I haven't been the most prayerful person.  I was really making the effort especially after going to Eating for Your Soul meetings.  Recently, my faith has been shaken, and I'm remembering reasons why I used to be an atheist.  Anyway, I'm not praying as much.

And I haven't been feeling much.

And I returned to binge eating.  Numb.  Unfocused.  I didn't go to an Eating for Your Soul meeting last week; I didn't want anyone to see me.

But I went last night.

And I cried.

Holy f**k did I cry.

And I felt.

And I feel now.

And I'm crying now.

And it's good.  I'm so tired of being numb.  I'm tired of burying these feelings in food.  I'm tired of pretending all is well.  I'm tired of faking it.  I'm tired of not being heard.  It's up to me to speak.  It might only be here to no one.  It might not make any sense.  It might not be entertaining.  Nor uplifting.  But it's out.  It's acknowledged.  I can go on.

I can go on and answer, "Fine.  And you?" when asked by passerby's how I'm doing and maybe mean it this time.