Saturday, October 31, 2009

Today's Halloween Commitment

Halloween is a very scary holiday for me. I'm having anxiety over the candy. Danny and I were choosing bags of candy to pass out. He said we should get what we like in case there is any left over. I mentioned I'm going to try not to eat any. He said, "Yeah, right." There's my "try"...now I need a little "umph." So here it is: I am committed to not eat any Halloween candy today nor tonight. I won't eat any as I open the bags. I will refuse if offered.

My "moderation mechanism" is busted. I can't have just one piece and be content. If I have one, my eyes roll to the back of my head in bliss and return green with slitted pupils. I grow claws and fangs and begin to growl at the moon as I hunt. I wake up the next morning surrounded by evidence of my night and wonder, "what did I do!? Noooooooooooooooo!!!!"

So, just for today, no Halloween candy. If I officially make the commitment by writing it down or telling someone, I'll keep it. I'll check in tomorrow and report. I also commit to continue drinking lots of water and to finish eating after 7:30 and now begin taking a vitamin supplement with dinner.

Shopping and the Three-Way Mirror

What a reality check. Yesterday I wanted to purchase a pair of tan pants for my Halloween costume (Amelia Earhart). I must have tried on about 20ish. As I walk towards the mirror I'm thinking, "Not too bad." Then I am at the 3-way horror mirror. I turn just so... GASP... "Oh my, that can't be me. Is that really me? What have I done to myself?!"

The restroom of one of the stores had a note posted, "The difference between try and triumph is a little umph."

I need more umph.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Big, Sweet Challenge

{Ah...a quiet home. Husband is at an elders' quorum meeting. Kids are at a fall-festival party at church. I almost don't know which direction to go. Do I watch the tv...I rarely get the chance? Do I find something on my to-do list? Take a warm bath? Call my parents? I'm often frustrated that I can't finish a thought enough to write in a journal...or blog...or to plan something out. So, I better use the time for that.}

Okay...so...think of something. No pressure. Time's just a-tickin' away. ......wow, I can actually hear the clock ticking...and the dog breathing. ....Hmmm. where's the stifled buds of creativity just waiting to bloom?

well...I started this blog to help me focus on becoming healthy....by 41...maybe 42 ;-P
Anyway, I will be 41 in January. I've become quite depressed about my eating habits and lack of physical exercise. I had 3 grandparents with diabetes and heart disease. I don't want to be on that boat.

when I was younger, I used to see obese people and think, "They must want to be that way, otherwise, why don't they just start eating better?" and "Don't they see they're getting bigger?" Now, my heart goes out to them, and I wonder if I'm on the same path. I've lost weight. Gained it, plus more. Lost weight. Gained it, plus more. Etc. AND...maybe it's just my imagination...but sugar seems to have a tighter grip on me each go-around. Cravings seem stronger. Ability to say no is weaker.

Is sugar addicting? Alcohol is addicting. Nicotine. Narcotics. How can I even put sugar in the same category as those other life-altering chemicals?

Maybe sugar over-consumption is just a really, really bad habit. Some people can have it in moderation...they know when to stop. It's all or nothing for me. I stop when it's gone or I'm about to throw up. I can't just have a taste.

I have to change the bad habit. Once and for all. I'm scared. If I fail again, what's going to happen to me?

My husband used to tell me I choose food over him (he wanted me fitter and healthier) He has since learned that getting on my case about my eating habits and physical size doesn't help one bit. I gotta get there on my own. He brought up a good point, though: if I was destroying myself with alcohol, cigarettes, narcotics, etc., should he stay quiet and not plead with me to change?

I can't help but feel that overcoming this food "addiction" is going to be one of the biggest challenges of my life.

I'm not ready to go whole-hog, yet. ("whole-hog?" when have I ever used that expression?)
I'm starting slow. Build one or two good habits at a time. Now, it's drinking more water during the day and stop eating after 7:30 p.m. Maybe I'll start taking vitamin supplements soon.

I need to start taking care of my spiritual health, too. That cup is empty.

I Have a Blessed Life, So, what's the Problem?

I really have been blessed. I am living the life I wanted. Other than weight issues, I'm healthy. There's people in my life I love and love me, too. But sometimes, like right this second, I want to run, leave, disappear...no, actually, I want everyone else to disappear so I can be alone. Time to myself.

And I can see that's not going to happen now. So, again, no entry. This is how it is all day, everyday. I begin forming ideas, strategies, insites...then...POOF!...it's gone...interrupted by my "blessings."

I don't want to permanently be alone...so I have to be careful about what I ask for...I just want to remember who I am. what do I think? what do I like? How do I feel about this? How do I plan on dealing with that?

when I can't focus, I'm becoming aware that I zone out and begin eating. I stop living in the moment and try to find something pleasurable: food. The more sugar, the better. what I'm hearing isn't pleasurable (my name being yelled, barking, etc.). what I'm seeing isn't pleasurable (clutter, the dog ripping things apart). what I'm feeling isn't pleasurable (anxiety, throat closing up, failure). Often, what I'm smelling isn't pleasurable (Did the dog just eat his own excrement? ). So, let me at least taste something pleasurable (and hopefully more pleasurable than what the dog just ate).

I feel guilty because I know there are people that would love to have my kind of problems. Like I said, I have a blessed life. I just want a break. I love being a mom. And I usually like being a wife. I have a great "job." But even the best jobs in the world allow vacation time, don't they?

I guess I have an entry after all.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Pretty Much Nothing

Here's another day with barely a moment to think. Very frustrating. Still drinking water.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

First Day's End

I met today's goals. I drank a glass of water about every hour to an hour-and-a-half. I peed about that often, too. All stopped somewhere around 7:30-ish.

But, I still ate junk: Carl's, Jr., soda, popcorn with butter and Parmesan.

One goal at a time.

Gotta Start Somewhere

My nutrition goal today is to drink more water. I could go a whole day without drinking actual water...mostly milk, juice, pop. I'll set my watch to remind me.

[I can see now I won't write much...it's "Mommy"-this, "Mommy"-that. Cue the crying. There it is. Cue the guilt. Done.]

Okay...more water and stop eating after 7:30 p.m.

Friday, October 23, 2009

About Me, continued

The following was originally under the "About Me" section. I wrote too much so decided to make this my first entry:

I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm now in someone else's body. I don't even look in the mirror anymore except to brush my teeth because I don't recognize the image. I had been athletic and at a healthy size. Now I've clinically tipped over the borderline of obesity.

I know how to lose the weight. But, I don't know how to be committed and to stick with it and not become discouraged and give in to massive amounts of sugar.
The blogging world is new to me. I have been following Cranky Fitness where a commentator mentioned having a support system to help during the weight loss journey. It dawned on me that I haven't had a consistent support system. Sure, I could call my wonderful parents, but I just don't always want to "dump" on them. Calling a friend or "sponsor" is awkward, too, because we have such busy lives.

So, I thought about giving blogging a try. I may be the only one here, but at least I can pretend I'm "talking" to someone during my moments of weaknesses and frustrations...and maybe even some triumphs!

And should anyone stumble across this blog, especially if that person is in, or has been in, a similar situation as me, we could support each other.

I'm not sure what to do next.