Self Portrait 17

Before

After

What's the difference?

The first photo:  the mess really bothered me.  What you don't see are the pile of dishes behind and pile of stuff on the desk to my right.  You also don't see the debris of crumbs, dog fur, candy wrappers, and scraps of my son's duct tape on the floor that should have been swept up by my kids yesterday.

The second photo:  pretty much the same mess but this time it doesn't bother me because in between I had exercised.  I felt relaxed instead of anxious.  I could focus on what needs to be done next instead of angry that it needs to be done at all.

My perspective changed, the mess didn't.

So, yeah, I know I'm not technically in the photo for today's "self" portrait, but self includes perspective as well as flesh and bone.  I have learned that I must to do some sort of exercise to help me with anxiety and depression issues.  The mess and never-ending to-do list have to wait.

Snack Attack Report 5 and Quality

A month has passed since I began the experiment, and it's time to reevaluate. Neither DH nor I were comfortable with how much sugar was being consumed, and DH was not happy with the eat-when-you-want-to practice. We did like how certain foods weren't as big of a deal anymore and how competitive eating stopped.


Observations:
5 y.o. - He: shared his stash often,went through it slowly, chose to snack on a variety of real and play foods


10 y.o. - She: went through her stash slowly, shared with her friends, chose to snack on a variety of real and play foods, ate a lot more candy than usual (Before the experiment, her holiday candy would sit on a shelf, forgotten. When it became part of her stash, she began eating it more and more).


11 y.o. - He: went through stash quickly (nearly empty by Fri's restocking day), prefers the extra-sugary stuff, does enjoy and requests fresh fruit


Me: I had no desire to dip into their stash; I had my own: a large bag of peanut M&M's that I'm still working on (In all fairness, I was sick for two weeks and had no desire for them. Otherwise, they'd be gone, I'm sure). I keep a zip-bag of them in my purse along with some pecans.


What's Next:
We are continuing the snack stash boxes with modifications. Each box will have (typically): favorite nuts, dried fruit, real granola bars (not candy bars disguised as granola bars), and ONE play food -- all customized to their tastes. Additionally, I'm buying different types of beef jerky for them to try -- a higher quality*, less greasy variety -- and ad to their boxes.


5 y.o.'s choices: pistachios and cashews, raisins, rolled wafer cookies (plus the granola bars and beef jerkey I'm having them try)


10 y.o.'s choices: pistachios, dates, Lindt dark chocolate truffles* (plus granola bars)


11 y.o.'s choices: cashews, apricots, pop tarts (3 of the 4 packages in the box), (plus granola bars and beef jerkey I'm having them try).


Guidelines:
-They can eat when they are hungry, BUT they must ask first when the next meal is ready (if it's within 20-30 minutes, they'll need to wait).
-They can snack on veggies and fruit almost any time (supplied in fridge and counter).
-They have to make their play food last at least a week. (We'll restock once per week).
-I will provide additional real-food after-school snacks; then they can dip into their stash if still hungry.
-Future holiday candy: they can choose their ultimate favorites and donate the remainder to the Bishop's office (he has a candy jar).

Source

*Quality
Lindt truffles can be expensive but are a better quality chocolate. I want to encourage them to get a taste for quality in a variety of foods. Then they'll learn that cheap versions are not "worth their taste buds." We may not purchase a lot, but the quality will be savored. That's also why I'm trying better quality beef jerky for the boys.


I've noticed this for myself: when I choose better quality, I lose a taste for cheap stuff (which is usually less healthy). I've been working to learn to cook and bring in flavorful veggies and better quality meats, etc. In the process, I have lost the taste for most fast-food. (This is a work in progress, one I haven't mastered, yet, but do see changes in).


For example, I used to buy steaks for everyone in the family for dinner. I'd buy the cheaper cuts that didn't turn out very good (I know, my skills may have a lot to do with that). Now, I buy the expensive cuts of meat, but because they are expensive, I buy one cut, and we all (5 of us) share the one. Although less quantity, it's so much better. It's enjoyable. With that joy comes a feeling of being satisfied and fed.

Snack Attack Experiment

I've begun an experiment today, and I may be criticized for it. 


Pre-Experiment Observations:
What happens when there is a large family and a rare bag of chips is opened up?  Everyone grabs at it frantically trying to get their "fair share" (even if they aren't hungry).  They are all competing for it.

What happens when a family rarely allows play food (junk food) and same family attends a pot-luck or party?  Chips!  Whoo-hoo!  Cookies!  More!  Grab, grab, munch, munch, munch.  Mom doesn't allow this stuff.  I better get it now while I can.

Hypothesis:
If desired play food is off-limits or limited, it's wanted that much more.  If, however, the playfood is always available, it will lose its appeal.  If everyone has their own, competition eating will stop, and eating while not hungry will be greatly reduced.  If allowed to eat on own in the open, closet-eating will be avoided.

Experiment:
-Give everyone their own stash box with favorite treats:  this week its Doritos, Peanut M&Ms, chocolate-covered granola bars.
-No one is allowed to take from anyone else's.
-They can request different play foods for their stash.
-The stash does not have to be empty to request something different
-I will shop once per week to restock.

-Real foods will also be prepared and provided for snacks after school, etc.
-Real foods will be served for meals
-Continue educating family about real food vs. play food:  what sustains fullness, what the body needs, what gives energy, what zaps energy, what will help moods, etc.

Concerns:
I worry there won't be any internal stop signals, and we'll eat until we puke.  I'm concerned that the high salt or sugar content will be addicting, and they will lose all desire for real foods.


I'm not worried about my 10 year old daughter, though, she still has Halloween candy and is amazing at listening to her body's hunger signals (she hasn't been corrupted - LOL) and asks for fruit for snacks (she even asks for Brussels Sprouts for her birthday meal, she loves them).  She's a great example to me, an example of a natural eater not affected by the diet perspective or junior high.


I'm curious as to what my 11 y.o. son will do.  He's very much like me.  I'm curious about how I do, too, come to think of it.


As far as my 5 y.o. goes, I don't have a clue what to do I know he will stop snacking when he's full but I wonder if he will fill up on playfood and lose his appetite for real food.  I hope to steer him away from that and educate him as we go along.

Source:  Wellsphere.com

Fears:
When I see obese children, I judge, "What's wrong with the parents?  Why do they let the kids eat whatever they want?  That's child-abuse!"  I hope I am not going down that road and do more harm than good.  My desire is to instill in them a positive relationship between food and their body and not fear or shame, and that real food is the norm and there is room for play food.


I began the experiment on myself a couple of weeks ago by bringing in a bag of peanut M&Ms to use as my pacer food.  The bag was eaten very quickly and in secret I didn't want to share.  The second bag is still there.  I haven't binged on it.  And now that my kids have their own stash, I will eat these in the open without shame.


I know, I know, there's going to be the diet mindset that will say those M&M calories are going to add up, and I should choose carrot sticks,* instead, or trick my body into thinking it's not hungry by drinking a glass of water.  This is not about dieting.  This is about getting OUT of the diet perspective.  This is about getting a better relationship with food and learning it's not the enemy and that the body is not the enemy.  This is about learning to not binge on forbidden foods anymore (and we know THOSE binge calories add up, too).  This is about foods not being forbidden.


*I do serve carrot sticks, by the way, as well as collard greens, cabbage, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, salads, spaghetti squash, and several other varieties of veggies as you are welcome to read about on my veggie-quest blog "What Am I Supposed To Do With That?"


The idea for this experiment is influenced by what I'm learning from Eating for Your Soul.  It may fail or be a success.  I'm open to either outcome.  It's all a learning experience.  It's time to bring in a new way of thinking.

I'm Going to Lose 170# in 30 Days! Guaranteed!!

My husband's employer, Delta Airlines, is transferring him to Minnesota, May 1. We don't know for how long.

I wish this were an April Fool's joke.

Northwest Airlines was in trouble. Delta bought them relatively recently. Northwest made out: they were able to keep their pensions, received raises (up to Delta rates), better medical benefits, and keep their seniority.

I'm all for them getting raises and better benefits, but instead of putting NW employees below Delta's, they were merged into the seniority line. This put my husband dangling on the bottom of the list. (Union's response: You're lucky we aren't furloughing.)

Danny has been based in Salt Lake City, Utah (this is why we sold our home in Illinois and moved here). SLC is a coveted hub. Northwest employees want it. Now they get it. Bye, bye, Danny (husband and father of three -- not a number).

This is why I save my boxes. You just never know in the airline industry. Except, we are going to stay this time and pray for his rapid return. He's going to have to find an apartment and transportation out of his own pocket; the company won't help financially for that. And contrary to popular belief, pilots in general don't make much money. Sure, there's some with high seniority that have been with a particular company for many years that make an obscene amount, but that's not the norm (and if he/she were to transfer to another airline, they'd be at the bottom making squat like the rest).

It's hard to not be angry. I keep telling myself, "At least he has a job, at least he has a job, at least he has a job." That wasn't the story Christmas Eve, 2007, when his previous airline e-mailed him with the announcement that they are closing their doors, don't come back to work, and mail in your badges. (Yes, Christmas Eve).

Please fly Delta - keep my husband employed.

C25K Report - Week 5 and Gratitude

Yes, the C25K is back on. It's a nine-week program, and I just finished week 5. It's becoming easier to wake at 6 a.m. There's less traffic, less car fumes. And I love how the snow on the snow-capped mountains seem to float like spirits against the dark sky. Their positions settle and their majestic presence loom as dawn breaks.

It's cold, and I feel alive. And I feel grateful. Running outside along our one-mile loop brings me out of myself, out of my problems:

I run by *Bro. W's home (I wonder if they've filed bankruptcy).

I run by Sis. H's home (Yay! She finally found a job. I need to remind Danny to help her and her 4 little ones move on Saturday).

I run by Sis. B's home (Oh, that's right, she's sick. Darn, I haven't called her, yet).

I run by Sis. G's home (I want to go see her next week. She's so amazing and faithful. How would I handle the death of a child?).

I run by the empty lot on our hill, and the view takes my breath away.

I run by the R's (I remember the terrific talk their teenage son gave in church).

I run by Sis. O's (How does she remain so patient and easy-going? Remember to thank her).

I run by the other W's (I wonder how Sis. W is feeling about her new calling as Relief Society President. She'll be wonderful).

I run by adorable homes that just aren't selling.

I run by the H's (How do they do it for being out of work so long?).

Next door are the other H's (I hope he's feeling better. Sis. H must be so worried).

I run by our beloved chapel (Comforting).

I run by the B's (How did Bro. B survive that accident?).

And now I'm at Bro. W's home, again. Their kitchen light is on.

And I am grateful.

*{Most of my neighbors and I are members of the same religion. We call each other Brother and Sister during church (we use first names in casual settings - except to the Bishop). Minors address us as Bro. or Sis. So-n-so all the time as a sign of respect. It brings us closer and reminds us we're in this together and to be there for each other}.

Lessons I Learned Today and a Favorite Hymn

Image credit: villageofelmore.com

In keeping with my spiritual fitness journey as well as physical, I'd like to remember little things I learned today in church. This I can apply to my physical journey as well.

This comes from M.R., a 15 or 16 year old boy, our youth speaker for today: We come to forks in the road. There's the right path to take, but it looks rough. Then there's the other path, it looks easy. Sometimes we take the easy way only to discover life becomes much rougher down the road because of our choice. If we choose the right path, even though it looks initially rougher, we can avoid self-made troubles down the road.

-Applying this to physical health, I've been taking the easy way for years: easy "convenient" food, sedentary lifestyle, emotional eating (and emotional drinking before joining the church). The "easy" road has lead to problems...self-inflicted problems. The right way would have been the "rougher" active lifestyle, taking the time to cook healthier, not indulging in bad habits, feeling emotions instead of medicating them. I could then be free to do other things.

The other message is from H.W., our new Relief Society President: When she doesn't feel like praying for whatever reason, she's learned that is the most important time to pray.

The following is one of my favorite hymns. We chose it for our baptism, and Skye asks me to sing it to him each night for bed: Love at Home On the upper left corner select "Words and Music" then play.

May there be love in your home today, and remember to love yourself.

Expensive Chocolate

Photo Credit: www.cafepress.com

I was contemplating the recent purchase of Britain's Cadbury by Kraft Foods for 19.5 billion dollars. That seems like a high price to pay for chocolate. But where my mind really wandered to was the ingredient differences and the quality between U.S. and Europe.

I love chocolate, but I never liked Cadbury. My husband would see it in the store and suggest it, and I'd steer him to something else. He'd be surprised and say that Cadbury was considered a very good chocolate in France (birth place). "Really?"

Then Danny brought home a Cadbury bar from one of his flights to England. He offered a bite. I hesitated but tried. "Oh, my gosh, where have you been all my life?" It was good. Out of curiosity, I saved the wrapper and later compared it to the American version. Same wrapper, different ingredients. The American version had cheaper quality ingredients. I wish I had them to show you. This was a long time ago, and I no longer have the wrappers.

This also happened with a can of Coke. Danny brought one home from England. Not that soda is ever healthy, but England's Coke had real ingredients. For example, it had sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. HFCS, if I recall, is banned in Europe, or parts of Europe. The can was also smaller.

Why do we Americans still put up with inferior ingredients like HFCS and partially hydrogenated oil (aka trans fat aka hydrolyzed protein)? Is it a cheaper way to feed the masses or a lucrative industry to make billions?

Junk is cheap. On my binge the other day, I couldn't resist the super jumbo Butterfingers (bigger than large) for ONLY $0.30 each. And those Little Debbie's: each box was only a dollar-somethin' for all of those little cakes. What a deal! What a bargain!

But how much did I really pay when I ate them?

I Asked, I Received...Oh, Boy Did I Receive!

I've been praying for a changed heart and the desire to set time aside each day for scripture study. I now have my motivation: I was called and sustained as a Sunday school teacher for the 14 and 15 year olds. Now others are counting on me to do my scripture study. This year we are learning the Old Testament.

{In the LDS religion, members are called to do a certain job, in my case, as a teacher. No one gets paid. Even our Bishop and his counselors are volunteers, called into their positions. They may work a full-time week at their employment and put in as many hours for church service.}

I'm nervous. I have to stand up in front of others. I like going to church, but I dread getting ready for church. I dread finding clothes that fit. I dread the mirror. Hate the mirror. It reminds me of what I've done to myself. Now, I'll be standing in front of others trying to teach them, pretending I have confidence. Just smile ... everyone looks better when they smile, even the toothless. (At least they look friendlier with a smile).

This is out of my comfort zone. That's good. Growth comes from trying new things. This may be just what I need (the calling, not the spider).

Image: travelblog.org

No, this isn't me. I identify with her expression, though.

Frontier House

I may have mentioned this before: I like cooking, but I don't like doing it three times a day everyday of the week (plus snacks). Now, with trying to add good stuff to the bad and phasing out the bad, I find it very time-consuming. I will keep going, though, believing it will become second-nature. Maybe then it (healthy cooking) will go faster once I'm good at it.

That's the plan, anyway.

Have you seen the PBS show Frontier House? They took modern people and had them live in a recreated 1880's frontier with most of its challenges. I watched it many years ago. One thing I remember about it is one of the characters, I think it was Kristen, commenting on how she's in the "kitchen" almost all day. She's up early preparing the first meal of the day, and by the time she's done cleaning up after it, it's time to begin preparing the next meal...three times a day. She had very little time for herself.

I know I have modern conveniences and don't have to grow my own food, haul water from the creek or start and keep a fire-pit going, but I have days when I feel I'm in the kitchen almost all day making healthy home-cooked meals and cleaning up after them. It gets old. Actually, it's my attitude that gets old. I wish I had a better attitude and excitement towards these life changes while I'm chopping away.

The pioneers (and other cultures/times) had to spend that much time on cooking because it's a matter of survival. Well, Gina, isn't paying attention and time to what you and your family eat also a matter of survival? Isn't it worth the time and effort?

Something else that struck me about the show was the wedding cake for Kristen and her fiance. Sugar was scarce during those times. The different families all donated some sugar and rationed eggs for the cake. It was thoroughly enjoyed by all during the celebration. They savored it. The sweet treat was a rarity. The ingredients were real.

I wish I could do the same.

Shifting gears:

Bring on the water. I noticed last month I did so well and felt better overall when I increased the amount of water I drank. I let that goal slip when I was remodeling (lazy about frequent bathroom breaks). So, tomorrow, bottoms-up!

Spiritual mini-goal: I have a couple of daily-devotional books that my parents gave me years ago. I'll start reading them in the morning. They are quick and easy and will at least put something positive into my sleepy head. I'll follow that with a personal prayer.

I found my thankful journal. I'll start that, again, too, and shift it over to mental/emotional mini-fitness goals. First thing I'll enter is that I'm thankful to have food three times a day.

Focus Pocus

we started a remodeling project a few days ago, and I'm so excited about it. I love wood. I love tools. I love paint. (Ahrr Ahrr Ahrr! ....Okay...so how do you write the sound Tim Taylor of Tool Time makes?)

I could work all day on it. I'd rather do that than eat, sleep, or (sadly) shower.

I've been pondering "focus" lately. I really felt I lacked focus. I was on a roll towards making healthier changes in my life: increase physical activity, replacing questionable foods with better choices, being thankful...all those mini-goals on the side. well, I've begun shifting away from those things before they became hard-n-fast habits. I was really getting down on myself and my lack of focus.

Then this guest-room makeover took place. I realized I had extreme focus as I often do with any task at hand. when I start something, I keep going until it's finished. That goes with any project. I have this attitude of, "Don't interrupt me. Just let me keep going and be done with it."

I'm thinking that type of focus just applies to things that have a tangible end product: the whatever is clean, built, fixed, made, organized, packed, etc. I can look at it, feel good about it, and use it. There's a satisfaction.

Fitness doesn't have a tangible end product that results from short-term, hard-core focus. I can't workout and eat right for a week and say, "Okay! All done! Destructive habits are eliminated. I have a strong, healthy body now!" It took me a long time to get into this mess; it's gonna take me a long time to get out.

Do my fitness goals just seem too far away to hold my attention? Is there a way to balance and multi-task my goals and somehow focus on several things at once? Do I have a personality flaw where I can only focus on one thing at a time? Maybe I do need a little magic to do it all.

I'm trying to internalize what eating healthy can do for me right now (something tangible). For instance, if I drink a glass of water and eat several servings of veggies, I won't see a difference in the mirror. BUT I imagine what is going on inside of me. My cells and organs, like an army in desperate need for supplies, are saying, "YES! we can use this! Rehydrate that area here. Send those nutrients there. Move! Move! Move!"

It can't be about the mirror. It can't be about how my clothes fit. It's gotta be about resupplying my body with stuff it can build with, so those little cells can see a tangible difference in their remodeling project.

Off Track

Really got off track and haven't been doing my mini goals the past few days; other things are demanding my time, and I'm letting them. I'm feeling it emotionally, too. Exercise adds so much boost. I miss it. I look forward to starting again today.

I need appropriate footwear for winter. Last week I ordered two pairs of nice boots, the wide-calf variety from Zappo's. I've never been able to fit into boots before...can't zip them up. I was hopeful that at least one of the pairs would fit. Neither did. Well, okay, the right boot of one pair fit. My legs are too big for even the plus-size boots. Did that motivate me in the right direction? No. I ate and got my sugar fix.

It's a new day. My mind is fresh. New perspective: I'm thankful I have this problem with the boots. It means I have legs. The legs work and carry me well. They've been better to me than I've been to them. Yesterday's reality check was disappointing but necessary. I need to feel that disappointment instead of masking it. I want to learn from it. My legs are big because I hava eaten too much for too many years. It's not their fault. How can I thank my legs? I can give them more nutrients from healthy foods. I can exercise them, keep them flexible. I can lose weight so they have less to carry.

Time to get the kids ready for school. I'm also thankful for others' blogs...even if I haven't had the chance (or brain capacity) to leave comments. They helped lift me when I was down.

Rake, Baby, Rake

This is our first full year in this home...and today, I realized how arbor-ly endowed we are. This is our first home with more than two trees. When we first saw the home, we thought, "Oh, look at all the trees! How beautiful!" "Oh, look at the flowers on the trees...how beautiful." "Oh, look at the changing colors...how beautiful!" "Look at them fall...how beautiful."

Well, I thought I'd better rake before the leaves blow into the neighbors' yards. I'll tell you...it gets old really fast. I stand there in the never-ending sea of leaves and begin counting...11 in the front and 4 huge ones in the back. Fifteen trees!

Fif...teen...trees... I became discouraged. I can't imagine doing this the rest of my life. I secretly wished the next Spring's snow would split them, and we'd have to remove them. But then I thought this was a good workout for my arms. Doing this each day and soon shoveling snow will help tone the arms.

I want to gain arm strength. New goal: wall push-ups every other day (in addition to raking/shoveling).

Then, maybe someday I'll hear someone say, "Oh, look at her arms...how beautiful!"