Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Fine. And you?

A few weeks ago, I came across this post from Healthy Mom's Kitchen:  Healthy Moms Need to Cry.  I remember thinking, "Wow.  I don't cry.  I wonder why."  I get a lump in my throat -- sometimes a couple of tears, especially if I'm responding to something about my kids, but I don't bawl nor get the beneficial release that comes with it.

I also began noticing that my posts aren't very deep; I don't share my feelings here, at least I haven't in a long, long time.  I want to keep things up beat and positive.  I don't really share my feelings anywhere:

+My husband is my closest friend, but I can't share things about him that I'm feeling, especially if the feelings are negative, and I just need to vent.  I don't want to hurt him; I want to keep all bridges intact.

+I'm lucky to have loving parents, but I don't want to worry them.

+I've long since lost touch with my closest girl friend, L.  We could vent/talk about anything ... anything.  I miss that.  That bridge is not intact, though.

+I'm fairly new here, still making friends.  The thing is, they are my husband's friends, too.  It's a very tight community:  almost all of our neighbors go to the same church where we work together (unpaid clergy, etc.), pray together, socialize.  I usually love it and am happy here, but I don't have anyone to share my truest, deepest feelings with.  At the risk of sounding like a child, what if reveal myself, and they don't like me anymore?  Besides, I can't share my insecurities or vent about my husband to others in the community.  That's not cool.

+So, how about prayer?  I haven't been the most prayerful person.  I was really making the effort especially after going to Eating for Your Soul meetings.  Recently, my faith has been shaken, and I'm remembering reasons why I used to be an atheist.  Anyway, I'm not praying as much.

And I haven't been feeling much.

And I returned to binge eating.  Numb.  Unfocused.  I didn't go to an Eating for Your Soul meeting last week; I didn't want anyone to see me.

But I went last night.

And I cried.

Holy f**k did I cry.

And I felt.

And I feel now.

And I'm crying now.

And it's good.  I'm so tired of being numb.  I'm tired of burying these feelings in food.  I'm tired of pretending all is well.  I'm tired of faking it.  I'm tired of not being heard.  It's up to me to speak.  It might only be here to no one.  It might not make any sense.  It might not be entertaining.  Nor uplifting.  But it's out.  It's acknowledged.  I can go on.

I can go on and answer, "Fine.  And you?" when asked by passerby's how I'm doing and maybe mean it this time.

6 comments:

  1. Oh Gina. Gina Gina Gina - I will totally be your sounding board when you need to vent. Seriously. I know how hard it is to feel like you have no one to talk to and sometimes you just need to verbalize how irritating husbands can be sometimes!! I get you. Really I do.

    So please, email me and vent all. you. want. sister.

    I don't think my faith in God has ever been shaken, but my faith in God's people has often been shaken to the core. "People of God" are really just people - the same people who cut you off in traffic, the same people who cut in line at the grocery store, the same people who can be total jerks and/or idiots at any given time. They can also be extremely awesome (like me) and there for you when you need it (also like me). ;)

    I'm glad you got to have a good cry - sometimes it's the last thing we want, but the very thing we need. I hope you feel better now, and I hope all the anxiety and stress you've been dealing with feels like less of a burden. I'm so glad you blogged today - I would feel awful if you were sad and you didn't let anyone know it! Consider yourself hugged and pleasepleaseplease email me if you want to chat/vent/be silly with someone!! xoxo

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  2. I'm so glad you're feeling better, stronger. A good cry can cure a lot of ills.

    Wishing you happier days ahead...and the ability to cry when you need to!

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  3. Thanks to you both. I do feel better, a little bit lighter in a non-poundage sort of way. That would be great to learn how to cry-on-demand. For now, though, I just need to learn to allow myself to feel (at least something other than resentment).

    Jill, more than words could say -- you brought a smile to my face. You ARE "extremely awesome!" Thank you - I am going to take you up on emailing.

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  4. Gina, my dear friend whom I've never met, what the heck are you thinking???
    True, people online can never give you a real and for true physical hug, but we can listen and care and (virtually) slap you upside the head if you're veering off your chosen course.
    Plus, if you're ever in the neighborhood of Portland, you can be dang sure I'm going to a)give you a hug b)gently slap you upside the head and c)listen while you vent/cry/whatever.
    In my experience, menfolk are really truly excellent at a multitude of things, but listening to women vent is perhaps not in their top ten skills. That's what you got us for :)

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  5. The Merry -- I will a)accept that hug b)know I deserve that slap c)be too happy to meet you to vent/cry/whatever!

    Thank you for the lift. I feel hugged. I should make up a new word for getting a hug through blogging. How's "blug?" I feel blugged. No? :)

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  6. Call me anytime, Gina. I keep my phone with me 95% of the time. I only forget it if the Fed Ex guy drives up and honks and I race down the stairs for a long-awaited package, or Kelli is leaving for work and I race out with a letter I forgot to give her to mail for me or I hang up my coat forgetting the phone is in a pocket and I later hear it ring and can't find it...Ok, maybe 85% of the time. Maybe email me and tell me when to call you. Love u.

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