Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Self Portrait 1-5

After the hip-bursitis diagnosis, I was really discouraged, depressed, and went into a tail-spin (and a tail inflation, too, I suppose, gaining 15 more pounds -- I'm at my all-time highest weight).  I ignored the blog and spent little time on the computer anymore.  A couple of blogs were still fed to my email.  One was Jill's "The Sassy Pear."  She was recently inspired by Kyra's "(the never ending) Adventures in Fitness (& Life)" and her project to take self-portraits every day for a month.  At first I didn't want to, but then I though maybe I could learn something from it.  I've been in a fog for months now, pretty much ignoring my circumstances and surviving on denial.

Feb. 4
My daughter and I after her Irish dancing competition.
We have a fun time together while I help her practice and
get her ready at 0'dark-thirty.  She seems to really like me
and my company.  I hope that lasts forever.

Feb. 5
Walking to church.  We have three hours:  sacrament
meeting, Sunday school, and Elders' Quorum/Relief
Society meetings.  I was "called" as a Sunday school
teacher to the 14-15 year-olds.  That has been both a
source of great anxiety and a growing experience.  It
definitely is outside my comfort zone.  I wasn't raised in
this church, so I feel highly unqualified.  But, that's the whole
point of a calling, to stretch and develop us.
When I see this picture, I remember so many times wanting to
turn around and go home and not be around others.
I often force a smile.  "Great!  And you?"
I have to say though, by the end of the 3 hours, I am up-lifted and
glad I went.  I keep telling myself that over and over as I make this
trip the following week.

Feb. 6
There it is -- the reason I avoid the camera and mirrors.
Behind me is my sweet family at dinnertime.
I am in my office, the kitchen.
I should label this, "Tired, Fat Mom Who Has Completely Let Herself Go."

Feb. 7
Day 4 was closing, and I still hadn't thought of what type
of self-portrait I should take.  I wanted to take off my shoes
and began to pull on my pant leg to lift my leg onto my other knee;
I couldn't lift my foot otherwise -- too fat, pants too tight.
"THAT"S what I should take a picture of," I thought to myself.
"It's absolutely ridiculous that I've let myself get this way.  I should
take a good, hard look of what I've become instead of numbly ignoring it."

Feb. 8
I had just taken a shower and was grabbing a bite before
heading to the grocery store.  My hubby sweetly said,
"You look pretty."
I asked him to take a picture so I could see what he sees.
I don't see it.
I see a fat, depressed, tired girl who has nearly given up and
is about to put a potato chip in her mouth.  Wow. 


  1. See, what I see is a blogging buddy that has been sorely missed.

    1. That's really nice of you. :) I thought for sure I had fallen off of everyone's radar.

  2. I'm glad you posted these! Keep doing it!!!

    I don't see what my husband sees either, but I'm grateful he sees it (although, I did recently call his eyesight into question.)

    As far as giving up? No can, it's really a daily choice to go one way or the other, and you get the opportunity to change it any time you want. Lots of power, if you want to accept it. Me, I'm struggling too. I'm the heaviest I have been in 10 years. I'm working on turning it around, but it's not a simple u-turn in a moment situation... it's whole bunch of little annoying ones. ;)

    For the record, you ARE beautiful.

    1. I've OFTEN questioned DH's eyesight (at least mentally). It is a daily choice, and an easier one now that I've seen these pictures. But, yes, some of these changes are a "bunch of little annoying ones."

      Thank you...

  3. Gina - I know how you feel when you see pics of yourself because I usually think the same things, BUT I see my friend. My funny, caring, sympathetic friend who also happens to be beautiful! Just to make you feel better, I'm going to post a pic of my double chin just so you can say "well at least I don't have that!" because I'm a giver that way. ;)
    Seriously - you are way prettier than you give yourself credit for~!!

    1. Thank you, Jill... and thank you for sharing about this self-portrait project.

  4. Gina, you're a beautiful person inside and out! Don't be so hard on yourself.



    1. Thank you, Anna! And thanks for the email. I'll look into it that site this weekend.

  5. Well you are not the first nor last person to go down this path! I suppose the question is whether or not you will find another that is healthier for you. I suggest you look into David Kessler's "The End of Overeating," as a good starting point as it addresses addiction with food and how to deal with it.

    Good luck!

    1. Yes, it's a well-beaten path. Thank you for the referral.

  6. You've inspired me to also do this self-portrait thing. I like it. :) Makes a person more vulnerable - which we can all relate to.

    1. Hi, Heidi! That is so nice of you to say because taking those pics was a scary thing for me. It was both humiliating and an eye-opener.

      Please let me know when you've posted. :)