Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I Have a Blessed Life, So, what's the Problem?
I really have been blessed. I am living the life I wanted. Other than weight issues, I'm healthy. There's people in my life I love and love me, too. But sometimes, like right this second, I want to run, leave, disappear...no, actually, I want everyone else to disappear so I can be alone. Time to myself.
And I can see that's not going to happen now. So, again, no entry. This is how it is all day, everyday. I begin forming ideas, strategies, insites...then...POOF!...it's gone...interrupted by my "blessings."
I don't want to permanently be alone...so I have to be careful about what I ask for...I just want to remember who I am. What do I think? What do I like? How do I feel about this? How do I plan on dealing with that?
When I can't focus, I'm becoming aware that I zone out and begin eating. I stop living in the moment and try to find something pleasurable: food. The more sugar, the better. what I'm hearing isn't pleasurable (my name being yelled, barking, etc.). What I'm seeing isn't pleasurable (clutter, the dog ripping things apart). what I'm feeling isn't pleasurable (anxiety, throat closing up, failure). Often, what I'm smelling isn't pleasurable (Did the dog just eat his own excrement? ). So, let me at least taste something pleasurable (and hopefully more pleasurable than what the dog just ate).
I feel guilty because I know there are people that would love to have my kind of problems. Like I said, I have a blessed life. I just want a break. I love being a mom. And I usually like being a wife. I have a great "job." But even the best jobs in the world allow vacation time, don't they?
I guess I have an entry after all.