Saturday, February 13, 2010

A Mother's Anxiety (and C25K Reports)

I managed to do all three C(omputer)-to-5K challenges the week before last (along with upper body resistance) but only did one challenge this past week with the plan of doing one today.

See all those "Mini Fitness Goals" on the right (and down a bit)? I haven't been doing any of them. No thankful journal, dancing, water (barely), no stop-eating-after-7, no going to bed early. I've only managed the C25K and upper-body resistance.

It's been rough lately. I've had a lot of anxiety and moments of darkness. No doubt that if I consistently did my little goals I'd feel better. However, one of my darkness times was after a C25k jog. I remember wishing I could just cry or something (I have a hard time crying but wish I could because it releases tension and clears the mind). Then I was going over my to-do list in my head when I thought about my children and how they are growing so fast, and I feel like I'm missing it. The guilt of all of my shortcomings as a mother flooded me: my lack of patience, the junk food I was/am in the habit of feeding all of us, the lack of activities, spending too much time on the computer (blogging), I'm not teaching them all the things I imagined teaching them when I was pregnant, I should be reading to them more. I wish I had a pause button so they would stop growing until I could get my act together and have a perfect healthy menu, everything is finally unpacked from our moves, home repairs made, appointments made and finished, the dog trained, an exercise routine I can include them in, and good habits to pass on to them. I just want to freeze my kids in time until I can be a better mom.

Then I cried. I just sat on the bathroom floor and let it out. I composed myself but for the rest of the day I'd get choked up when I thought of my kids, those precious spirits entrusted in my care.

They just keep growing. Life keeps happening. If I'm going to be a better mom, I have to take better care of me. I have to put my oxygen mask on first so I can better help them. Time is valuable.

I'm going to reinstate my mini fitness goals, one at a time. This past week I've been working on a four-week rotation menu plan with healthier food options. I'll post about that later.

Well, I have a Sunday school lesson I will be teaching tomorrow, and I need to finish preparing. The subject is the Abrahamic Covenant.


  1. Gina, as a mom it's so hard to see our babies grow so fast! I know I've had a lot of the same feelings. My youngest is four and there are times I wish she was small enough to just hold her like I used to when she was a baby. :)

    I'm glad you were able to let out your emotions the right way. I bet you felt so much better.

  2. I've gone through those very same feelings about my kids growing up. It is amazing how the time is just flying by.

    I'm learning to appreciate them now and enjoy each day. Like everything in life, we do the best with the time we have. I'm sure you're doing just fine. :)

  3. Hey. You are a great Mom, who aspires to be an even better Mom. It does not get much better than that...your kiddos are lucky to have a caring and striving Mama. Every day is a new one. If you want to make changes, then make them. Pick one thing each week....and just change it. Food is easy and you can involve the kids. Google "healthy snacks for kids" and a bazillion things pop up...bounce them off the little ones and make a grocery list and just do it. Make three or four things...with the kids..and that will be fun! You are doing great!

    Don't let the "magazine Moms" give you a complex....they are one dimensional and perfect....and the rest of us are human and real...with worries and regrets and desire to do better at times. Here is to all of us "REAL" Moms. :)

  4. Gina, I'm sorry you've had a rough week!
    You know I have similar thoughts and feelings myself sometimes. I don't think you're giving yourself the credit you deserve though. I'm sure there are tons of things (big and small) that you do with/for your kids that means the world to them. I think you're a great mom!

    I look forward to hearing more about your menu plan. I need one of those!

    I hope next week is a better one!

  5. My one and only is 16. I'm still learning.

    But I'll bet you're better than Good Enough. And Good Enough is, believe it or not, good enough.

  6. " I wish I had a pause button so they would stop growing until I could get my act together "

    I'm sorry. I laughed out loud at this. Because I feel the same thing all. the. time. I need 48 hour days.

  7. They just keep growing. Life keeps happening. If I'm going to be a better mom, I have to take better care of me. I have to put my oxygen mask on first so I can better help them. Time is valuable.

    This is a very important point.. you have to be good to yourself to be good for others too.

    I wish I could help you more but I think taking baby steps rather than trying to do everything at once is a good start.. less stress & pressure. Be good to yourself!


  8. Even if you do not have kids you tend to feel the sam feelings......Please get I get off of this roller coaster and catch my breath! I like your honesty in your post!

  9. Every single mother feels this way, probably all the time. We just don't talk about it! I think part of my journey that was so important was learning to accept my past and just doing the best I could to strive forward from that point on.

    Gina, I bet your kids would say that you spend lots of quality time with them. So often mother guilt is so potent!

    Don't be so hard on yourself!!

  10. I'm sorry I missed this the first time around... there have been times I've had to tell myself, "Yes, you're massively flawed, but you're all they've got, so they're just going to have to put up with you." We have to walk the line between remember to give them the extra they deserve, and not requiring unrealistic perfection out of our living breathing flawed selves... After much wreathing and writhing and fainting in coils, I decided to quit my half time job and convert to as-needed (much less time and a lot less money). Kids grow up in an instant and I don't want to miss it making myself crazy.