Saturday, February 13, 2010
A Mother's Anxiety (and C25K Reports)
I managed to do all three C(omputer)-to-5K challenges the week before last (along with upper body resistance) but only did one challenge this past week with the plan of doing one today.
See all those "Mini Fitness Goals" on the right (and down a bit)? I haven't been doing any of them. No thankful journal, dancing, water (barely), no stop-eating-after-7, no going to bed early. I've only managed the C25K and upper-body resistance.
It's been rough lately. I've had a lot of anxiety and moments of darkness. No doubt that if I consistently did my little goals I'd feel better. However, one of my darkness times was after a C25k jog. I remember wishing I could just cry or something (I have a hard time crying but wish I could because it releases tension and clears the mind). Then I was going over my to-do list in my head when I thought about my children and how they are growing so fast, and I feel like I'm missing it. The guilt of all of my shortcomings as a mother flooded me: my lack of patience, the junk food I was/am in the habit of feeding all of us, the lack of activities, spending too much time on the computer (blogging), I'm not teaching them all the things I imagined teaching them when I was pregnant, I should be reading to them more. I wish I had a pause button so they would stop growing until I could get my act together and have a perfect healthy menu, everything is finally unpacked from our moves, home repairs made, appointments made and finished, the dog trained, an exercise routine I can include them in, and good habits to pass on to them. I just want to freeze my kids in time until I can be a better mom.
Then I cried. I just sat on the bathroom floor and let it out. I composed myself but for the rest of the day I'd get choked up when I thought of my kids, those precious spirits entrusted in my care.
They just keep growing. Life keeps happening. If I'm going to be a better mom, I have to take better care of me. I have to put my oxygen mask on first so I can better help them. Time is valuable.
I'm going to reinstate my mini fitness goals, one at a time. This past week I've been working on a four-week rotation menu plan with healthier food options. I'll post about that later.
Well, I have a Sunday school lesson I will be teaching tomorrow, and I need to finish preparing. The subject is the Abrahamic Covenant.