Sunday, December 27, 2009
Just Feel It
Something upsetting happened Christmas Eve regarding my weight. I didn't react to it when it happened. However, I mentioned it in a comment on another's blog at a later time, and the tears just came. I said I didn't want to write about it on my own blog because it was too emotionally painful. (Just bury it and forget it).
I later realized this is exactly what this blog is for: it's a safe place to feel emotions and work them out. I bury emotions in food and sometimes numb myself from them. Gina, it's okay to feel the hurt feelings. Deal with them.
Here it is:
I was opening a food gift: an assortment of nuts, dried fruit, bagel chips, and chocolate this-n-that. As I was oo-ing and aw-ing the goodies, my 10-yr old son, Thomas, matter-of-factly said, "Don't eat all of that. You're overweight."
Everyone stopped and just looked at him. My 8 yr. old daughter put her hand on my back. Then Thomas said, "No offense."
I continued on as if nothing happened.
I was embarrassed. I was irrationally angry with my husband. I wanted to hide. I jumped to the conclusion that my son was ashamed of me.
But I ignored those feelings and continued on. Sure, it wasn't the time nor place to discuss it, but I just buried the feelings instead of at least acknowledging their existence. (Not sure if that makes sense).
Yesterday, I spoke quietly and alone with Thomas. I wanted to give him a chance to talk to me without all eyes on him and to see if there's more he wanted to say. I asked him why he told me not to eat the gift. He said, "I want you to be happy." He added that I wasn't happy being overweight. I asked if he thought I'd be happier if I was healthier. "Yes."
It dawned on me that he has snuggled next to me in the past while I've written posts for this blog. He sits and reads what I write. His comment simply came from the heart after learning about me.
Now...about those irrational feelings of anger towards my husband after Thomas's comment:
Danny and I have had fights in the past about my gaining weight, and it continues to be a sore spot for me. When Thomas said the remark Christmas Eve, I instantaneously felt that Danny taught by example that it was okay to speak to me that way.
Danny has learned to not take my weight-gain personally (if you loved me you'd lose the weight) and has emerged to be a more supportive husband instead of condemning.
I hope I can be more aware of my feelings and find a better way to deal with them (before mindlessly eating junk). I'll find a way, I know...I feel it.