Primal Stride Challenge: 5 at 5

Challenge: 5 at 5...5k at 5a.m. for 7 days beginning Jan. 1

I will wake up and walk for 1 hour or 3 miles, whichever comes first.

It might be nice to walk in the snow. In the dark. Alone.

(Mom, Dad, don't read this).

I'm not good with change. The desire is there, especially during quiet moments like going to bed or sitting in church. Once I get up (and running behind), I'm on automatic and just do what I see in front of me that needs to be done (feed kids and the pets, clean this and that, etc). And, because I usually don't see me in front of me, I don't get done. So, as far as working out, before I can step it up, I have to have something to step up.

I'm trying to figure out how fit fitness around my busy life. Maybe what I should be doing is trying to fit my life around fitness.

Maybe this challenge will be good for me. Change things up a bit.

Frontier House

I may have mentioned this before: I like cooking, but I don't like doing it three times a day everyday of the week (plus snacks). Now, with trying to add good stuff to the bad and phasing out the bad, I find it very time-consuming. I will keep going, though, believing it will become second-nature. Maybe then it (healthy cooking) will go faster once I'm good at it.

That's the plan, anyway.

Have you seen the PBS show Frontier House? They took modern people and had them live in a recreated 1880's frontier with most of its challenges. I watched it many years ago. One thing I remember about it is one of the characters, I think it was Kristen, commenting on how she's in the "kitchen" almost all day. She's up early preparing the first meal of the day, and by the time she's done cleaning up after it, it's time to begin preparing the next meal...three times a day. She had very little time for herself.

I know I have modern conveniences and don't have to grow my own food, haul water from the creek or start and keep a fire-pit going, but I have days when I feel I'm in the kitchen almost all day making healthy home-cooked meals and cleaning up after them. It gets old. Actually, it's my attitude that gets old. I wish I had a better attitude and excitement towards these life changes while I'm chopping away.

The pioneers (and other cultures/times) had to spend that much time on cooking because it's a matter of survival. Well, Gina, isn't paying attention and time to what you and your family eat also a matter of survival? Isn't it worth the time and effort?

Something else that struck me about the show was the wedding cake for Kristen and her fiance. Sugar was scarce during those times. The different families all donated some sugar and rationed eggs for the cake. It was thoroughly enjoyed by all during the celebration. They savored it. The sweet treat was a rarity. The ingredients were real.

I wish I could do the same.

Shifting gears:

Bring on the water. I noticed last month I did so well and felt better overall when I increased the amount of water I drank. I let that goal slip when I was remodeling (lazy about frequent bathroom breaks). So, tomorrow, bottoms-up!

Spiritual mini-goal: I have a couple of daily-devotional books that my parents gave me years ago. I'll start reading them in the morning. They are quick and easy and will at least put something positive into my sleepy head. I'll follow that with a personal prayer.

I found my thankful journal. I'll start that, again, too, and shift it over to mental/emotional mini-fitness goals. First thing I'll enter is that I'm thankful to have food three times a day.

Just Feel It

Something upsetting happened Christmas Eve regarding my weight. I didn't react to it when it happened. However, I mentioned it in a comment on another's blog at a later time, and the tears just came. I said I didn't want to write about it on my own blog because it was too emotionally painful. (Just bury it and forget it).

I later realized this is exactly what this blog is for: it's a safe place to feel emotions and work them out. I bury emotions in food and sometimes numb myself from them. Gina, it's okay to feel the hurt feelings. Deal with them.

Here it is:

I was opening a food gift: an assortment of nuts, dried fruit, bagel chips, and chocolate this-n-that. As I was oo-ing and aw-ing the goodies, my 10-yr old son, Thomas, matter-of-factly said, "Don't eat all of that. You're overweight."

Everyone stopped and just looked at him. My 8 yr. old daughter put her hand on my back. Then Thomas said, "No offense."

I continued on as if nothing happened.

I was embarrassed. I was irrationally angry with my husband. I wanted to hide. I jumped to the conclusion that my son was ashamed of me.

But I ignored those feelings and continued on. Sure, it wasn't the time nor place to discuss it, but I just buried the feelings instead of at least acknowledging their existence. (Not sure if that makes sense).

Yesterday, I spoke quietly and alone with Thomas. I wanted to give him a chance to talk to me without all eyes on him and to see if there's more he wanted to say. I asked him why he told me not to eat the gift. He said, "I want you to be happy." He added that I wasn't happy being overweight. I asked if he thought I'd be happier if I was healthier. "Yes."

It dawned on me that he has snuggled next to me in the past while I've written posts for this blog. He sits and reads what I write. His comment simply came from the heart after learning about me.

Now...about those irrational feelings of anger towards my husband after Thomas's comment:

Danny and I have had fights in the past about my gaining weight, and it continues to be a sore spot for me. When Thomas said the remark Christmas Eve, I instantaneously felt that Danny taught by example that it was okay to speak to me that way.

Danny has learned to not take my weight-gain personally (if you loved me you'd lose the weight) and has emerged to be a more supportive husband instead of condemning.

I hope I can be more aware of my feelings and find a better way to deal with them (before mindlessly eating junk). I'll find a way, I know...I feel it.

Rambling...

There's so much going on in my brain; it's just one jumbled mess. I'll put some of it into the blog. It may not make much sense, but at least I can rest my brain.

I went to church today and enjoyed it very much. It was so positive and uplifting. One of the messages was about having a change of heart, and the speaker likened it to heart replacement surgery and how to protect it. I desire a change of heart/attitude.

{Oh, man, I don't even know how to say what I want to say. I can't think when I believe hard-to-form thoughts are going to be interrupted any second}.

[time lapse]

I'm empty {okayeee...(eyes rolling)...not my belly, that's full of holiday junk).

Spiritually empty. Emotionally empty. THAT kind of stuff. As I mention in my little title-thingy up there I also am seeking spiritual and emotional fitness. As of yet, I haven't done much for those, except for my thankful journal (and I'm not really sure where that is right now, come to think of it...you get the picture of my diligence and state-of-mind).

{And if/when I speak of spiritual fitness, I may have my own way of getting to it...although I'm at this moment not sure how...but I also respect others' methods/religion}.

what comes first? will spiritual fitness come after I'm physically fit? will emotional fitness be a by-product of spiritual exercise? I bet all three have to be balanced and worked on at the same time. Not sure how to do that. I'm thinking about setting up mini-fitness goals for those things, too. Baby steps.

I don't have to get it right the first time. Practice.

I don't have to get it right the second time. Practice.

Set up a plan. Practice it. Tweek it. Try, again. Practice being fit. Practice making choices for health.

I know, I'm going on a "practice" tangent. It's just something Diane from Fit to the Finish said in the last paragraph of her post about practice. It got me pondering.

So, so tired. Holidays are catching up with me. Sugar is catching up with me. The jumbled mess remains in my brain, but it's looking pretty bad here, too. Must sleep, though (after midnight). Good night..........

December Report

Weight: 205 (up), Belly: 40 (same), BMI 31.2 (up)

I expected the higher numbers. I've been focused on other things. Without good habits established, it was all too easy to slip back into poor habits. Surprisingly, I'm not that upset. Am I numb?

My cycle started today, too. I'm putting some the the responsibility of the 8 pounds on that.

Merry Christmas!

Barn Raising

It's finished! We needed a guest room for my parents when they came for Christmas. Danny wanted a barn-theme. It's nothing you would find on HGTV or BH&G, but it's our quirky personality and fun.

It originally had white walls and dark army-green carpet. The carpet was actually repeatedly marked/stained by our sick cat, Daisy, 16, who was put to sleep last month. Couldn't remove the stench. We tore out the carpet and put in new flooring. Now it just looks like a barn instead of smelling like one.

The "Lamb of God" print is by Liz Lemon Swindle (it's of Christ at age 12 making the pilgrimage for passover and carrying the sacrificial lamb...a lamb which he probably raised and loved). I am so touched by the symbolism. (I made the frame).

We also made the bed's platform and lamp shade for my grandma's antique lamp.

The room was a pleasure to work on, but I completely neglected myself. I'm actually tired of junk food. I even ordered a salad (or reasonable facsimile) at McDonalds. I went grocery shopping yesterday, bought lots of veggies and fruit, and may start cooking, again.

I didn't watch any tv and typically don't. I don't even know when Oprah is on, or for that matter, what channel she's on (I used to watch her a couple of states ago...we move a lot). The only thing I did watch during the barn-raising was Prison Break. My husband bought the season 3 dvd, and at the end of the long day we'd get our PB fix (and no commercials).

I haven't even decorated for Christmas, yet. The tree has been up for weeks, but the ornaments are still in the garage. But, my parents are here now and have a comfy place to sleep.

I worked hard on that guest room. Imagine how I'd feel and look if I put that much effort into my health. I better get crackin' before I become the size of a barn.

Focus Pocus

we started a remodeling project a few days ago, and I'm so excited about it. I love wood. I love tools. I love paint. (Ahrr Ahrr Ahrr! ....Okay...so how do you write the sound Tim Taylor of Tool Time makes?)

I could work all day on it. I'd rather do that than eat, sleep, or (sadly) shower.

I've been pondering "focus" lately. I really felt I lacked focus. I was on a roll towards making healthier changes in my life: increase physical activity, replacing questionable foods with better choices, being thankful...all those mini-goals on the side. well, I've begun shifting away from those things before they became hard-n-fast habits. I was really getting down on myself and my lack of focus.

Then this guest-room makeover took place. I realized I had extreme focus as I often do with any task at hand. when I start something, I keep going until it's finished. That goes with any project. I have this attitude of, "Don't interrupt me. Just let me keep going and be done with it."

I'm thinking that type of focus just applies to things that have a tangible end product: the whatever is clean, built, fixed, made, organized, packed, etc. I can look at it, feel good about it, and use it. There's a satisfaction.

Fitness doesn't have a tangible end product that results from short-term, hard-core focus. I can't workout and eat right for a week and say, "Okay! All done! Destructive habits are eliminated. I have a strong, healthy body now!" It took me a long time to get into this mess; it's gonna take me a long time to get out.

Do my fitness goals just seem too far away to hold my attention? Is there a way to balance and multi-task my goals and somehow focus on several things at once? Do I have a personality flaw where I can only focus on one thing at a time? Maybe I do need a little magic to do it all.

I'm trying to internalize what eating healthy can do for me right now (something tangible). For instance, if I drink a glass of water and eat several servings of veggies, I won't see a difference in the mirror. BUT I imagine what is going on inside of me. My cells and organs, like an army in desperate need for supplies, are saying, "YES! we can use this! Rehydrate that area here. Send those nutrients there. Move! Move! Move!"

It can't be about the mirror. It can't be about how my clothes fit. It's gotta be about resupplying my body with stuff it can build with, so those little cells can see a tangible difference in their remodeling project.

Gina aka Cookie Monster

'Tis the season to be fat and jolly, fa la la la belch la la la la

I went to a Christmas party tonight tired and had no plan of action in my pocket and no focus on goals. (Huh? what goals... what are goals?) The only thing I could focus on were the homemade frosted sugar cookies...thousands of them. Okay, not thousands unless I say "thousands of calories of them." Oh, and let's not forget the chocolate-dipped pretzel sticks. My first bite into it I thought, "Now why would I want to give this up? It's sooo good!"

I was like Oz's scarecrow...no brain.

"Must......have.....more....." (Cookies! ngum ngum ngum)

Fa la la la ptht! la la la la :-p

TOFUmbled

About a year and a half ago, during a failed, radical attempt to eat healthier, I tried introducing tofu and soy products to my family. Only my daughter liked it and only when I fried the bijibbers out of it. I searched the web for many recipes, tried tofu burgers, hot dogs, and regular tofu in recipes. And then there's the Tofurkey.

This is what I found: I like tofu when it is itself and not pretending to be meat. It is good as bits and pieces in soups, and it rocks in Buddha's Delight. BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE MEAT. Do you know why I like hamburgers? Because... it tastes... like...(waitforit)... MEAT! The impostor just doesn't cut it. who does it think it is trying to be something it's not? I imagine wrapping an arm around its shoulder (yes, the tofu's shoulder...if it can be "meat," then it can have a hypothetical shoulder in my little story) and having a heart-to-heart talk with it.

I'd say something like, "Tofu, buddy, I gotta tell you, and it's for your own good: nobody likes a phony. Stop pretending to be something you're not. You are...(sigh)...let's face it...you're bean curd, and you always will be bean curd. Yeah, I know, that's harsh, but, HEY, cheer up, it's okay to be bean curd. Be proud! You've got A LOT going for you just as you are. You are full of protein and can absorb flavors! That's good! You just need to accept the fact that you'll never be a juicy piece of meat; it's just not in your genes."

Now...to take my own advice: embrace who I am, develop the talents given to me, smile, and just be myself.

Off Track

Really got off track and haven't been doing my mini goals the past few days; other things are demanding my time, and I'm letting them. I'm feeling it emotionally, too. Exercise adds so much boost. I miss it. I look forward to starting again today.

I need appropriate footwear for winter. Last week I ordered two pairs of nice boots, the wide-calf variety from Zappo's. I've never been able to fit into boots before...can't zip them up. I was hopeful that at least one of the pairs would fit. Neither did. Well, okay, the right boot of one pair fit. My legs are too big for even the plus-size boots. Did that motivate me in the right direction? No. I ate and got my sugar fix.

It's a new day. My mind is fresh. New perspective: I'm thankful I have this problem with the boots. It means I have legs. The legs work and carry me well. They've been better to me than I've been to them. Yesterday's reality check was disappointing but necessary. I need to feel that disappointment instead of masking it. I want to learn from it. My legs are big because I hava eaten too much for too many years. It's not their fault. How can I thank my legs? I can give them more nutrients from healthy foods. I can exercise them, keep them flexible. I can lose weight so they have less to carry.

Time to get the kids ready for school. I'm also thankful for others' blogs...even if I haven't had the chance (or brain capacity) to leave comments. They helped lift me when I was down.

You Butter Watch Out! You Butter Not Cry!

{Tangent: My 10 yr old son wanted to put the "Net Disaster" cup on my blog...click the cup to have it spill...press the icon on the right to remove it if you want. I'll indulge him for a while.}

Last Holiday: Chef Didier is speaking with Georgia Byrd, who believes she is dying:

Chef Didier: You and I, we know the secret to life

[whispers]

Chef Didier: it's butter.

{I loved that line and related it to my experiences of fad dieting. Bring back the flavor!}

we all know that too much butter has its consequences; I'm not going to go there. However, upon pondering the changes in eating habits I know I'm going to have to make for myself and my family, I had an "AH HA" moment the other day...actually, it was more like "WHAT THE SFDH DING DANG DARN" moment. Conversations my husband and I had with our kids about butter replayed over and over in my head. I couldn't believe what I was "hearing:" my husband and I tried to talk our kids into eating butter with their food!

My kids don't like butter. They like their toast with just jam. They like their cornbread plain. They like their popcorn plain. They like their banana bread plain. Their pancakes, baked potatoes, etc. Danny and I have both said to them on several occasions, "It's better with butter! You don't know what you're missing!" And, even more sickening, we'd still put it on their food...because we know what's best for them. what the(favorite explitive here)!?

And it's beyond butter. We did the same thing with ranch dressing on salads and pizza...and dips for their veggies. what is wrong with us? why am I training my kids to eat things that has no nutritional value when they don't even like it in the first place?!

I stopped pushing butter, etc.

Now, for fun... this is a tongue twister my kids like hearing me do:

Betty Botter bought some butter. "But," she said, "this butter's bitter! If I put it in my batter it will make my batter bitter, but a bit of better butter that will make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter better that her bitter butter and she put it in her batter and her batter was not bitter. So 'twas better that Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.

My Thanksgiving Post (and Story-in-the-Round)

(My sons, Thomas and Skye, on the slide horsing around and sharing the only chair in our basement, watching tv. My daughter and me this morning).

This isn't exactly fitness related, although being thankful and remembering good times enhances spiritual health.

Yesterday, I gleaned some great ideas from others' blogs and wanted to share those, especially with family members that read my blog. From KatieO. at BoppaDingDing: Gratitude Garland where you cut out paper leaves and write something you're thankful for on each. My family, including my visiting parents, did that. we then had all the leaves spread on our table, words down (they were the centerpieces). Then we'd take turns flipping them over and reading them while we ate. Thank you, Katie, for passing that on!

Diane from Fit to the Finish shared the idea of "story in-the-round" where each person takes turns writing parts of a story. This is our story:

(Grandma) Once upon a time, there lived a great big turkey on a great big farm. His name was Henry but everyone called him Hank. (Marie, 8) But all of a sudden there was the farmer holding a shotgun (Thomas, 10) and he lowered his gun and said to wash the dishes. "If you don't, then you need to scrub the toilet," said the farmer.

(Me) "well," said Henry, I didn't earn the name 'Hank-the-Tank' for nothing!"

And with that, Henry ran as fast as he could towards the farmer and plowed into him like a line-backer on a football team. In a cloud of feathers, the farmer fell to the ground and his gun flew in the air.

(Grandpa) Hank's friend, Ernie, The Eagle, flew down and grabbed the shotgun in mid-air and flew off with it. Meanwhile, Hank ran into the barn and hid behind some bales of hay. The farmer got up, dusted the dirt and feathers off of him, and looked around for his shotgun. when he couldn't find it, he went and got his ax!

Hank could see the long shadow of the farmer on the ground as the farmer stepped into the doorway of the barn.

(Danny) It's over, Hank thought. There is no way I can escape!

"Henry, Henry," said the farmer. "Come to Papa! I promise I will make it quick. You will not suffer long."

Henry the turkey stepped from behind the hay and walked towards the farmer, towards its fate. The farmer smiled.

{Commercial break....}

Hank the Tank hung his head low and laid down th front of the farmer.

"Go ahead. Let's get it over with," thought the turkey. The farmer raised his arms, the ax hanging high over Hank's throat. Hank closed his eyes.

"wait!" said a voice from the doorway. A tall man was standing there. Hank opened his eyes! It was Barack Obama. "I'm here to pardon this turkey. I command you to spare its life."

Henry the turkey couldn't believe it. Obama's words were like music to his ears. The farmer obeyed and stepped away from Henry.

Henry got back on his feet and went to thank the president.

"But, how did you know I was here?" asked Henry.

Barack Obama smiled and looked up behind him...Ernie-the-Eagle was soaring high in the sky.

(The End)

we're having a great time...and no one missed the rolls, stuffing, or cider.

Happy Thanksgiving!

First Monthly Report

All numbers went down: lost 5 pounds, 0.7 BMI units, and 1 inch in belly fat. I'm a little more fit (in spite of my best efforts to sabotage).

wow. Not bad for just the small changes I've made (and for having the flu). It's been great. I see improvements in energy. I'm less hungry. I have LESS headaches. I sleep better. Oh, yeah, I haven't been craving soda. Eliminating soda wasn't on my mini-goal list...it just kinda happened.

Drinking water and Stop Eating after 7:30 P.M. (blog of those goals here ): Doing well. Great goals and very doable. I set the timer to drink water on average every 1.5 hours most days. I really have a hard time remembering to drink.

Thankful journal here: Doing that each night. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood and would rather leave it blank...but I do it anyway.

"Dancing" and walking 10 min. here and here: I'm able to "dance" almost each day and sometimes go longer than 10 min. I love it when the kids join in. The walking isn't going as well. I've only done it about 1/2 the time. I need to step up the effort.

Push-ups here: Keeping it up. I think I'm going to move it to the floor, though.

Jumping Rope here: Still doing it for one min each day. I can jump 30 sec without getting tangled. Not ready to show the video.

Adding 1 veg/1 fruit to breakfast here:Enjoying the smoothies each day! I have a handful of raw nuts with it. It's nice and quick while I get the kids ready for school.

So, yes, not BAAADuh. HOwEVER, I still eat junk, sugar, and convenience foods almost everyday. I so want to adopt better food choices for my family.

It's just ALL...THAT...COOKING! @@ Don't get me wrong, I like cooking, I just don't like doing it everyday three times a day ...especially cleaning up afterwards. It's very time-consuming (washing and chopping, prepping for this and that, etc). But , I have started hunting for menu ideas from blogs and am trying those out. The meals have to be something we (my family) all like...because I'm not cooking two separate meals: "mine" and "theirs"...except for my green smoothies...(they like them, but I feed my kids more food before school).

I heard/read someone say your life needs adjusting if you're too busy to eat and feed your family healthy meals. (sigh)

Here come the holidays: Thanksgiving, my son's birthday, Christmas, New Year's, and...my 41st birthday. Hopefully I'm "fitter by 41...and then fit by 42."

Sabotage

My first "numbers" report is tomorrow, and I was a complete junk-food junkie today...more so than usual. AND I didn't exercise, except for lugging several rounds of groceries upstairs, including a frozen turkey. what's wrong with me? I won't even say what I ate because I don't want to drool over it if I reread this someday.

(Deep breath in...let out...in...out...in...out). Don't give up.

The Green Smoothie aka Shrek Shake

I said in my last blog I would add a vegetable serving and a fruit serving to my breakfasts. I read this article about green smoothies:

http://www.crankyfitness.com/2009/04/mission-vegetables-before-six-pm.html

Basically, it's 1/2 cup frozen fruit, 1/2 cup frozen banana slices, 1 cup of milk (I sometimes use soy milk), vanilla, and optional sweetener (I use a tsp sugar), and 1 cup of raw SPINACH. It's surprisingly good. My kids like it: I call it the Shrek shake (not my idea...but it sure sells it to the kids). If I use blue or black berries, it isn't green at all. It's the yucky color you have when you mix all the colors in play-doh.

It's hard to get in the mood for it during these cold mornings, though! I'll just have to warm up by "dancing" around my kitchen to my playlist. :-P

Might As well Jump

I have a jump rope...had it for over 20 years. Never used it. Don't know where I got it. I've held on to it move-after-move and keep it in one of those on-the-door "shoe" holders with all the pockets. I've always over-looked it. Lately, though, I keep noticing it.

That would be good exercise, wouldn't it? Jumping gets the heart-rate up. It tones the muscles, strengthens bones. I've decided to add that to my daily exercise: 1 minute per day.

I did a "before" video of my very first time jumping rope. I've decided not to post it right now because I look like a complete idiot and have no "after" video to vindicate me don't want to waste your time without a motivating "after" video. Basically, the video shows me jumping for about 10-15 seconds before I begin getting tangled.

The goal is to build stamina, coordination, strength. I'll do an after video in a few months.

Nutritionally, my next step is to add a vegetable and fruit serving to my breakfasts each day. I'll talk more about that soon.

Daisy

(Above: Daisy and Hansi) Didn't exercise today. I think it would have helped my mood. Impatient. Sad. Anxious about my to-do list. I'll be putting my cat, Daisy, to sleep tomorrow. we have a vet in our church and as a neighbor, and she said she'll come over to our home to do it. Tender mercies.

Daisy is over 16 years old (we've had her for over 14). She was the first member of our growing family. She's endured 8 moves, two dogs, another cat, and 3 kids. She's been a neighborhood favorite. One neighbor in Virginia offered to keep her when we moved (I think they missed Daisy more than us). We had a neighbor in Illinois who hated cats but made an exception for her. Sometimes she acted like a dog. She'd come when we whistled and would go on walks with us. She adored our first dog, Heidi.

Oh, I'm going to miss her.

Rake, Baby, Rake

This is our first full year in this home...and today, I realized how arbor-ly endowed we are. This is our first home with more than two trees. When we first saw the home, we thought, "Oh, look at all the trees! How beautiful!" "Oh, look at the flowers on the trees...how beautiful." "Oh, look at the changing colors...how beautiful!" "Look at them fall...how beautiful."

Well, I thought I'd better rake before the leaves blow into the neighbors' yards. I'll tell you...it gets old really fast. I stand there in the never-ending sea of leaves and begin counting...11 in the front and 4 huge ones in the back. Fifteen trees!

Fif...teen...trees... I became discouraged. I can't imagine doing this the rest of my life. I secretly wished the next Spring's snow would split them, and we'd have to remove them. But then I thought this was a good workout for my arms. Doing this each day and soon shoveling snow will help tone the arms.

I want to gain arm strength. New goal: wall push-ups every other day (in addition to raking/shoveling).

Then, maybe someday I'll hear someone say, "Oh, look at her arms...how beautiful!"

Oink, Oink

It's been a week since my flu symptoms began. I'm learning it's probably the swine flu. Several neighbors have had confirmed cases with their doctors saying that's pretty much the only strain they've seen lately.

Most symptoms are gone now. Cough lingers. My energy should increase as I move around more. As nice as it has been to investigate the blogging world for hours from my sick bed, it's time to get back on track, even if it's a slow track.

New goal: move more. I commit to a 10 minute walk each day and 10 minutes of moving my body rhythmically to music (I'd call it "dancing," except I don't think what I do could be defined as dancing).

Soon I will deal with my "other" swine flu...the kind were I eat like a pig...it has been a real sickness. I want to be cautious about this...nothing radical. I want the changes to stick.

What I've Learned while Being Sick

*My husband can take care of the house and the kids and the pets without me. Time to give up some control issues I have.

*My kids listen more to me when I whisper and respond in a whisper. (I had lost my voice and talking triggered coughing spells, so I had to speak softly and slowly. They looked at me very intently as I gave them direction and then would whisper back, "Okay.")

*My kids can be more self-reliant than I gave them credit. Time to stretch them a bit and let them grow up.

*Ice cream isn't fattening when you're sick. (Okay...so, maybe that's just wishful thinking).

*I have much to be thankful.

Which brings me to something that I had forgotten about: my thankful journal/to-do list. Everynight I would write down things about each person in my family that I'm thankful for and then write 3 things I want to accomplish the next day. It really helped my attitude.

Why did I stop? I probably became tired and didn't feel like writing...just wanted to sleep. Then maybe I was mad...not sure. Enough times like that then it's easy to slip out of the habit.

Time to start it up, again. As part of my fitness journey, I will begin my thankful journal.

Ugh, Still

Danny's home...thank goodness. No energy. Hopefully today was the worst of it. Danny bought me a container of vanilla Haagen-Dazs ice-cream. Ohh, it felt so soothing on my fire-hot throat.

My daughter brought me a plate full of fruit (grapes, apple slices, banana) and a glass of o.j. She even came and got the plate when I was done. Angel.

The cats are on me keeping me warm (and finding refuge from Hansi, our "puppy").

It's been great reading others' fitness blogs. Reading about it isn't going to get me fit, though, but it is motivating.

Ugh. Officially under the weather. {cue the violin} So tired. Hacking. Throwing up. Added bonus of my back going into spasms every time I cough. Motrin helps. Husband is on 3-day trip.

Don't have to worry about the extra Halloween candy...it's gone. Yeah, I ate it for breakfast. And it was soooo gooooood. Darnit. Maybe I'll care when I feel better. (Didn't eat the kids' stash...just the left-overs).

On the upside of being sick: I get to stop and be thankful for the kind gestures others offer me. My 8 yr old daughter surprised me with a hot water bottle in my bed last night. My friend brought over a herbal tea that really helps her. My neighbor picked up my kids from school and brought us chicken soup and rolls for dinner tonight. I'm thankful for their service and examples.

Bonus...blog time. I've been able to check out a couple of other weight-loss blogs and see their journey as I'm beginning mine. It's encouraging to see I'm not alone. I'll read an entry and think, "That's how I'm feeling!" etc

So Much For My word

I blew it. Ate several pieces of Halloween candy (KitKats, Crunch, whoppers). I was doing well...then...ugh. It's a blur...like I was a possessed crazy woman.

I'm trying to be aware of what I was feeling, etc. Tired because I couldn't sleep last night. Sick...have a tight chest and a cough that started during the night. Cramps (yeah, THAT started, too). And hungry. It's lunchtime, and I hadn't eaten anything since the egg this morning. I was also feeling unproductive.

At least I didn't buy any junk at the grocery store...cuz I didn't go.

Perspective...energy and resolve will return. Keep drinking water and eat real food.

Grocery Shopping Jitters

3:30 a.m. Can't sleep.

I managed to not eat any more candy yesterday. Had the melted marshmallows, though. I've been on the melted marshmallow kick lately.

I have to go grocery shopping...nervous about that. I habitually select something from the pastry section. My 4 year-old son asks for his free cookie and I am soooo tempted by the single serve items. Sometimes not just the single serve...I've been known to buy whole packages of eclairs or a cake or pie and eat the entire thing by the end of the day. It's aweful writing this down, but there it is.

Drug addicts in recovery are told to avoid areas where they use...areas that could trigger a relapse...areas like bars, certain streets, friends' homes, etc. How do I avoid the grocery store?

Okay...just for today...I will not buy anything from the bakery or cookie section. {It's weird, though, I've been sitting here for several minutes debating if I'm going to commit to no candy today. I'm now thinking about my new blogging friends and their struggles with the Halloween candy, too}...Okay...just for today...no candy, either. And lots and lots of water.

Day-After Halloween Report

I managed to not eat any candy. Yay! I still had hot cocoa with some marshmallows, though. Actually, it's more like I had marshmallows with some hot cocoa.

Today is another story. I had candy. But at least I didn't finish off the bag of candy before trick-or-treaters came to the door (I did that one year).

Here's today's goal...no more candy today. I wonder if I should put it in the freezer or a neighbor's freezer.

Shopping and the Three-Way Mirror

What a reality check. Yesterday I wanted to purchase a pair of tan pants for my Halloween costume (Amelia Earhart). I must have tried on about 20ish. As I walk towards the mirror I'm thinking, "Not too bad." Then I am at the 3-way horror mirror. I turn just so... GASP... "Oh my, that can't be me. Is that really me? What have I done to myself?!"

The restroom of one of the stores had a note posted, "The difference between try and triumph is a little umph."

I need more umph.

The Big, Sweet Challenge

{Ah...a quiet home. Husband is at an elders' quorum meeting. Kids are at a fall-festival party at church. I almost don't know which direction to go. Do I watch the tv...I rarely get the chance? Do I find something on my to-do list? Take a warm bath? Call my parents? I'm often frustrated that I can't finish a thought enough to write in a journal...or blog...or to plan something out. So, I better use the time for that.}

Okay...so...think of something. No pressure. Time's just a-tickin' away. ......wow, I can actually hear the clock ticking...and the dog breathing. ....Hmmm. Where's the stifled buds of creativity just waiting to bloom?

Well...I started this blog to help me focus on becoming healthy....by 41...maybe 42 ;-P

Anyway, I will be 41 in January. I've become quite depressed about my eating habits and lack of physical exercise. I had 3 grandparents with diabetes and heart disease. I don't want to be on that boat.

When I was younger, I used to see obese people and think, "They must want to be that way, otherwise, why don't they just start eating better?" and "Don't they see they're getting bigger?" Now, my heart goes out to them, and I wonder if I'm on the same path. I've lost weight. Gained it, plus more. Lost weight. Gained it, plus more. Etc. AND...maybe it's just my imagination...but sugar seems to have a tighter grip on me each go-around. Cravings seem stronger. Ability to say no is weaker.

Is sugar addicting? Alcohol is addicting. Nicotine. Narcotics. How can I even put sugar in the same category as those other life-altering chemicals?

Maybe sugar over-consumption is just a really, really bad habit. Some people can have it in moderation...they know when to stop. It's all or nothing for me. I stop when it's gone or I'm about to throw up. I can't just have a taste.

I have to change the bad habit. Once and for all. I'm scared. If I fail again, what's going to happen to me?

My husband used to tell me I choose food over him (he wanted me fitter and healthier).  He has since learned that getting on my case about my eating habits and physical size doesn't help one bit. I gotta get there on my own. He brought up a good point, though: if I was destroying myself with alcohol, cigarettes, narcotics, etc., should he stay quiet and not plead with me to change?

I can't help but feel that overcoming this food "addiction" is going to be one of the biggest challenges of my life.

I'm not ready to go whole-hog, yet. ("whole-hog?" when have I ever used that expression?)

I'm starting slow. Build one or two good habits at a time. Now, it's drinking more water during the day and stop eating after 7:30 p.m. Maybe I'll start taking vitamin supplements soon.

I need to start taking care of my spiritual health, too. That cup is empty.

I Have a Blessed Life, So, what's the Problem?

I really have been blessed. I am living the life I wanted. Other than weight issues, I'm healthy. There's people in my life I love and love me, too. But sometimes, like right this second, I want to run, leave, disappear...no, actually, I want everyone else to disappear so I can be alone. Time to myself.

And I can see that's not going to happen now. So, again, no entry. This is how it is all day, everyday. I begin forming ideas, strategies, insites...then...POOF!...it's gone...interrupted by my "blessings."

I don't want to permanently be alone...so I have to be careful about what I ask for...I just want to remember who I am. What do I think? What do I like? How do I feel about this? How do I plan on dealing with that?

When I can't focus, I'm becoming aware that I zone out and begin eating. I stop living in the moment and try to find something pleasurable: food. The more sugar, the better. what I'm hearing isn't pleasurable (my name being yelled, barking, etc.). What I'm seeing isn't pleasurable (clutter, the dog ripping things apart). what I'm feeling isn't pleasurable (anxiety, throat closing up, failure). Often, what I'm smelling isn't pleasurable (Did the dog just eat his own excrement? ). So, let me at least taste something pleasurable (and hopefully more pleasurable than what the dog just ate).

I feel guilty because I know there are people that would love to have my kind of problems. Like I said, I have a blessed life. I just want a break. I love being a mom. And I usually like being a wife. I have a great "job." But even the best jobs in the world allow vacation time, don't they?

I guess I have an entry after all.

Pretty Much Nothing

Here's another day with barely a moment to think. Very frustrating. Still drinking water.

First Day's End

I met today's goals. I drank a glass of water about every hour to an hour-and-a-half. I peed about that often, too. All stopped somewhere around 7:30-ish.

But, I still ate junk: Carl's, Jr., soda, popcorn with butter and Parmesan.

One goal at a time.

Gotta Start Somewhere

My nutrition goal today is to drink more water. I could go a whole day without drinking actual water...mostly milk, juice, pop. I'll set my watch to remind me.

[I can see now I won't write much...it's "Mommy"-this, "Mommy"-that. Cue the crying. There it is. Cue the guilt. Done.]

Okay...more water and stop eating after 7:30 p.m.

About Me, continued

The following was originally under the "About Me" section. I wrote too much so decided to make this my first entry:

I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm now in someone else's body. I don't even look in the mirror anymore except to brush my teeth because I don't recognize the image. I had been athletic and at a healthy size. Now I've clinically tipped over the borderline of obesity.

I know how to lose the weight. But, I don't know how to be committed and to stick with it and not become discouraged and give in to massive amounts of sugar.

The blogging world is new to me. I have been following Cranky Fitness where a commentator mentioned having a support system to help during the weight loss journey. It dawned on me that I haven't had a consistent support system. Sure, I could call my wonderful parents, but I just don't always want to "dump" on them. Calling a friend or "sponsor" is awkward, too, because we have such busy lives.

So, I thought about giving blogging a try. I may be the only one here, but at least I can pretend I'm "talking" to someone during my moments of weaknesses and frustrations...and maybe even some triumphs!

And should anyone stumble across this blog, especially if that person is in, or has been in, a similar situation as me, we could support each other.

I'm not sure what to do next.